Saturday, July 26, 2003

Reasons Why I have Slapped You in the Face

1. You answered your cell phone in my presence.
2. You talked during a movie.
3. You said something like "hella" or "foh sho."
4. You admitted to watching the Anna Nicole Show and/or any other show I hate.
5. You stated an opinion and refused to back it up with anything other than "well, its my opinion."
6. EVEN WORSE you offer vague and stupid comments to seem intelligent.

Greg: ... which is why I conclude that file-sharing will continue in some form or another for the foreseeable future regardless of the RIAA's draconian tactics.

You: Yeah, totally, I mean who's to say whats right or wrong. I mean like computers are cool.

Greg: Jesus God. This is going to hurt me more than its going to hurt.... SCREW THAT THIS IS GOING TO FEEL GREAT ::SLAP::

7. You see no problem with buying Abercrombie and Fitch clothes which cost 40 bucks more than everyone else and get this.... IT COMES TORN AND WORN!! Oh, so now we know that you have been really busy with important things that caused you to rip your pants, like shopping at expensive, overpriced, trendy-ass stores... You schmucks.

8. People who listen to ONE radio station and are proud of it. (If I cannot slap you through your car when I see you with a lame ass radio station bumper sticker, I will throw a shoe at your car.) As if listening to one station only makes you some sort of uber-listener. I am sure the radio stations keep tabs on people who show them loyalty. Screw that, if you have to listen to the radio (which blows by the way, try calling up and requesting a song that wasn't a single) switch it up a bit. Broaden your horizons morons.

9. Girls who go out with guys and cannot articulate one reason why they are doing so.

Girl: Well, I mean he is a guy you know.
Greg: Could you shut up I am trying to sleep?
Girl: And I mean, when he talks he is like talking to me.
Greg: If you make me get out of this chair...
Girl: And everyone thinks he is like "da bomb"
Greg: THATS IT, you asked for it.

Yeah, I was gonna put reason 10, but the top ten thing is way overdone. You get nine. And be happy with it.

Thursday, July 24, 2003

Actors that need to be put down, for their own good

There comes a time in every actors life, when they must ask themself- Do I suck major, major ass? If I do, why am I still acting in shitty movies that no one watches? Well, since Hollywood people walk around with at least 4 people up their ass telling them they are still cool and "hip" I will do them the favor of telling them that they do indeed, blow.

Steven Seagal- Who actually believes this bloated asshole is an action star anymore? I could shoot this guy from about a 100 miles away and still have a decent shot of hitting his fat ass. PLUS, he still talks all softly as if its real intimidating to see an eighty year old fat guy walking slowly towards you- so you are in the theater thinking "Wow, I can't here a word he is saying, oh wait, that makes the movie that much better."

All of the Baldwins- First off, the only person who has talent that is remotely recognizable is Alec Baldwin. So there other two whose names are not important enough for me to remember can fuck off and move to Canada or wherever the hell they said they were going after Bush won the election. (this goes for Barbara Streisand and any other arrogant dickheads who made promises to get the hell out and then didn't follow through) As for Alec, your brothers suck so much ass (see Slapshot 2, a movie completely ruined by a Baldwin brother, which basically destroyed the Slapshot franchise) that you must leave on account of having such shitty genes. Sorry.

Meryl Streep- no explanation necessary.

There are tons more, but writing this is making me sick.

Tuesday, July 22, 2003

This is gonna be short

Some people have asked me why I don't make (read: steal from somewhere) a comments section for this... journal/collection of badassness. Well my friend Taylor, who stole my supercool idea of a blog thing, got some really creepy ass response in his comments section. Some guy told him the rules of blogging and that he should write about E.T. or some stupid shit like that.

I WILL HAVE NONE OF THIS. If you hate me you can email my ass so I can write you back and tell you how much of a moron/imbecile/idiot/dunce you are. And if you love me, you can email me too, and I will autograph a piece of paper for you or something.

And if I don't respond it doesn't mean that I don't like you. It means you are not worth a second of my time and should go get some friends.


Sunday, July 20, 2003

Why No One Cares About the last Star Wars Movie

Everyone kinda roots for Star Wars to not suck anymore. I mean the progression has been from Episode 1- sucked hardcore, to Episode 2- blew majorly. So we can reasonably expect Episode 3 to both suck and blow mildly. Still, being the morons we are, we will all flock to the theaters to see our favorite characters one last time. Honestly George Lucas could go and shoot an Episode of Barney and Friends and label it Episode 3 and there would still be Star Wars nuts who would get in line hour ahead of time in their Baby Bop costumes.

My heart isn't really into tearing Lucas apart, because I feel for the guy. When you have a badass group of movies like the original Star Wars, it isn't the easiest thing to do to tell a story no one wants to hear about stuff we already know. Honestly, who gives a rats ass about assholes on Naboo and some Intergalactic Senate bullshit. Give me Jedi's kicking ass for 2 hours and I will be satisfied.

Actually, scratch that. Lucas managed to make the badassest dude in the galaxy (Vader) into a whining bitch. I am sure that when Vader is done torturing Jedi's he goes into his little room takes off his mask and cries himself to sleep.

Vader: My inner child is wounded and I can't control my anger due to the lack of a father in my home.
Emperor: Are you fucking serious?

Anyway, thats my bit. It doesn't matter anyways, I will still see the stupid movie and so will you.


Friday, July 18, 2003

Another Reason Politicians Suck

I hate most politicians (exception: Tony Blair, I like him, basically because he has to deal with the MOST uncivilized people ever- The English Parliamentary, that place is INSANE. It is the only reason to watch C-SPAN... ever.) I am feeling a tangent coming on... I mean Tony Blair walks into that place, and everyone gets on their feet and starts bitching at him. That guy has balls. Imagine if Bush had to deal with a thousand people screaming at him and taunting him. He would go cross eyed and probably faint.

Where was I? Oh yes. I hate Howard Dean. I saw some hippie idiot post a link to his website, and being the responsible citizen I am, I went to check it out. So I am reading his policy on the Economy, and he says "Get rid of tax cuts." And I say to the computer screen- Screw you asshole, get your grimy hands off of my money. This the problem with politicans. The solution to ANYTHING is more money.

Politician: Well, in my state there are hurricanes and they make voters mad.
Politican2: Uhh, pay like scientist people to come up with a way to get rid of them.

This is the logic that pervades our country. Shitty teachers?? Pay them more, and somehow because they get more money for being incompetent, our students will get smarter. I hate, hate, hate, hate idiots who think money is the solution to everything.

Lastly, STOP BLAMING PEOPLE FOR THE ECONOMY. The economy is a predictable upturn and downturn. It's not like some guy in a suit sits around and is like "You know, its time for a recession," and then pulls some switch that sends our economy to the shitter. Politicians need to pull their heads a few feet out of their asses (all the way out would be wishful thinking) and smarten up to the fact that the economy is not influenced by Bush or any other politican. Just look at Clinton- that guy did jack shit for 8 years and the only reason he was popular was because he could lie well and the economy was in a prosperity stage. Anyway, to conclude our lesson in politics:

Howard Dean is an idiot, and I am not voting for him. Come up with some real solutions, and let me keep my goddamn money. I hate people.

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

How not to impress me

I'm sure there are bound to be lots of opinions on this, but since this is my goddamn site you can shut the hell up. Why is that guys are so impressed with trucks that take a friggin firetruck ladder to get in? The next guy who comes up to me and is like "I am gettin a 3 foot lift on this baby" gets my foot up his ass. I DON"T CARE. Maybe it is some sort of like penis envy game where guys gather around a campfire and are like

Idiot: I am getting a 2 foot lift.
Idiot2: Yeah, well I am getting a 3 foot lift.
Idiot3: Well mine is four.

What practical purpose does having a car the size of a 747 serve? Maybe it makes short people feel tall... I dunno, nonetheless, anyone who wastes money on something that idiotic is a first degree DUMBASS.

Next up: Overblown stereo systems

Now, my standard for a "cool" stereo system is one that makes someone like Dave Matthews or Eric Clapton sound good. I don't give a rats ass for a system that can be heard in fucking China. If you have to hear it that loud than you are a thickheaded dunce, who probably has no taste for music either. Just because you listen to Linkin Park louder than someone else doesn't mean you like them more. Also, WANNABE EMINEMS who drive their little Civics around wearing ghetto clothes and chains- YOU ARE TOOLS. All of you. Take your sideways caps and shove them up your ass. There is only one Eminem and the funny thing is that he would make fun of all of your asses.

Irony is a bitch.

Monday, July 14, 2003

So much to make fun of, so little time

Man, so much on my mind I am gonna have to prioritize.
1. Johnny Depp should get an honorary Oscar

Presenter: And now for Pirate of the Year...
Depp: Yes, I know I am a badass.

This network has its head so far up its ass it's amazing. Who sits around all day and watches this shit?

"Tonight at 6 things get hot and steamy on The Real World. Then, at 7 on making the band, things get rough when Laticia and Moniqua fight it out. Later at 9, on Road Rules things get hot and steamy and rough. At 10 we premiere Carson Daly's new show "I'm a HUGE TOOL and have NO opinions of my own." And if you sit through all these shitty shows, we may or may not play actual music videos."

Doesn't anyone realize they are all the SAME show? Ugh. On that note...


Good god. This SHOULD be self-explanatory. But yet I still know thousands of people who crowd around their TV sets every night to watch their favorite "guess what this group/person, who are/is a HUGE imbecile, is going to do next." You know what's funny about the whole reality TV thing is... ITS NOT REAL! YOU IDIOTS! No one behaves the same with a huge ass camera in their face.

I should start my own reality TV show. I bet I could get you morons to watch it, too.

From the makers of "Lions eating Christians," we bring you "The Greg Dunaway Show." We give Greg a baseball bat and a car. His objective: Whack as many stupid people as he can in one night. The catch: He has to do it all with Roseanne Arnold following him around.

Roseanne: Fat people are funny.
Greg: One more comment...
Roseanne: I married Tom Arnold, he's funny...

Thursday, July 10, 2003

I hate Ted Turner

God, I hate CNN. Besides being completely biased, and I mean WAY biased, they are owned by Ted Turner.
Reasons I Hate Ted Turner
1. The Atlanta Braves
3. He thinks he is an actor (no you're not)
4. He hates Christians
5. He owns too much shit.

Now I am all for hating people, but you can't just hate a group of people because they are peaceful and go to Church on Sundays. Well, actually you can, but you are a complete asshole like Ted Turner. God I hate Ted Turner. I think he married someone equally stupid, but since I am too lazy to do a Google search and find out, my hate remains focused on him.

If he buys one more news network, I swear I will only watch Fox News for the rest of my life. Speaking of which, do you wonder why O'Reilly kicks Larry Kings ass all over the place? Because Larry King is a big FAT pansy. Wonder why Al Gore couldn't beat Bush? Because he would only go on PANSY shows and answer PANSY questions. Same with Hillary Clinton, who ONLY got elected because she played herself to be a victim of Ol' Slick Willy. She disgusts me. Did you know she will only take interviews in which she knows what questions are going to be asked? Our politicians blow. I want O'Reilly to moderate every single debate FOR any office. It should be a test. If O'Reilly makes you look like an ass, then you don't get to be a politician. That would motivate them to get their shit together.

O'Reilly: Right, so you aren't going to answer any questions about Watergate, Chinagate, and being a complete pansy?
Clinton: But my husband... He cheated on me and then Rosie O'Donnell played me out to be a hero...
Clinton: But, think of the children?
O'Reilly: Thats it (slaps her)
Clinton: WAAAAAA!!! I want my sympathetic loser liberal votes!
O'Reilly: Who's next biatches?

Monday, July 07, 2003

Further Proof that the RIAA is full of assholes

I was surfing the web earlier and found a very interesting article ( if you're interested) that had a debate between the creator of FreeNet, a file sharing program, and some RIAA moron. While the creator of Freenet had some very valid points, the RIAA loser resorted to name calling. For example, I offer the following Question and Answer between the two (Clarke is obviously Freenet creator and Oppenheim is Captain Oblivious)

Q: How much of a threat is Freenet to the recording industry and other large copyright holders, compared with Kazaa and popular P2P services?

Clarke: That is difficult to say. The RIAA claims that P2P is to blame for their declining sales, yet they are in an industry that relies on discretionary spending in the middle of an economic slump. Of course, rather than blame the economy for declining sales, they blame P2P.

In the longer term, however, I think it is inevitable that communication technology will reduce and eventually eliminate the role of those that profit from their monopoly over the physical distribution of music CDs.

That isn't something anyone except the members of the RIAA should worry about--certainly not the artists, and certainly not the general public. Rather, this is a perfect example of capitalism in action. Just as the motor car replaced the horse and cart, so will the Internet replace most of the roles performed by today's recording industry.

Oppenheim: Other than the fact that most infringers do not like to use Freenet because it is too clunky for them to get their quick hit of free music, it is no more of a threat than any of the popular P2P services.

Oh you poor baby Oppenheim!! Faced with the truth that the Recording Industry is heading down the shitter (rightfully so) you call Freenet "clunky." Like you could program a game of Pong, you dumbass. While you're at it, why don't you label all File Swappers "infringers." Did it ever occur to you that some musicians encourage their songs to be downloaded, so that consumers might say BUY A T-SHIRT or, I know it's far fetched, GO TO A CONCERT?! NO of course not. You know why? Because when I drop $50 to go see Dave Matthews- YOU DON'T SEE A DIME! So suck it.

I have always said that I would buy a ton of CDs if they were reasonably priced. For a CD that costs the Recording Industry maybe 3 bucks to make I will NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER pay 15 bucks. Also, for anyone who contests that figure, they may want to look into a recent class action lawsuit that proved the Recording Industry had been OVERCHARGING FOR 15 YEARS.

Anyway, this topic makes me sick. I am going to go download some music and feel better.

Friday, July 04, 2003

South Park, the last show with any balls

Matt Stone and Trey Parker are my heroes. In case anyone hasn't put two and two together Matt Stone and Trey Parker are the creative geniuses behind South Park. I was reminded of just how badass they were the other night when I caught an episode entitled "Fat Butt and Pancake Head," which was about Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. The episode absolutely destroyed the pairing and I laughed my ass off the entire time, of course I highly reccomend it. Anyway, it always bothers me when I talk to older and/or stupider people than myself and when I mention that I watch South Park, they give me an "you are SO immature" type look.

These are the same people who think the meaning behind "Fight Club" is kicking ass in a parking lot. These are the people who can't read books and instead wait for the movie adaptations to come out devoid of any real theme/meaning. Back to Jennifer Lopez (no I will NEVER call her J Lo or call Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Stupid celebrities thinking that they are somehow cooler now that their name changes. How about if I go change my name to "Snoop Bad Dawg G Dizzle?" God I hate celebrities. If Ben Affleck changes his name to "B-Lo" to match his new girlfriend I am going to laugh and then puke) Christ where was I? Oh yeah, South Park.

Anyway, if you have yet to see an episode of South Park go give it a chance. Some of the immmaterial and immature topics they have touched on recently: The Boy Scouts homosexual controversy, the War on Terror, Gun Control, hate crimes and censorship. But its just a bunch of kids cussing and being immature... right?

Any show that has to tell you when to laugh ISN'T FUNNY.

Go back to your stupid "Must See TV", idiots.

Wednesday, July 02, 2003

How NOT to make craptastic sequels

As you may have guessed from the title, I saw Terminator 3 today. While it wasn't as mindblowingly cool as other movies, it held its own and had a car chase that was just as entertaining as the one seen in Reloaded. Since I am an aspiring film maker, I have given movies a lot of thought and I believe I have figured out how to make successful blockbuster sequels. Through lots of time spent sitting on my ass coupled with a lot of anger I have developed the following thesis:

People will see anything if....

1. It looks really expensive (i.e. The Hulk)
2. Their are attractive women in it- REGARDLESS of acting talent (Charlie's Angels)
3. Shit gets blown up (anything with a budget that can afford explosives)

Therefore, I have written the following action block buster thrill ride entitled


Act 1
The hero(s) suddenly find they are in a situation not all that unlike the one we have seen them in the last five times we watched their characters. Oh NO! A new bad guy wants to: kill them, take over the world, blow up the world. I guess they will have to employ the same methods they used last time. Oh look, its comic relief man. HI GUYS, I am here to make you mildly laugh, so you ignore the fact you are watching a movie you have already seen! Sometimes I am black to contrast the stick-up-his-ass white guy's lack of humor. Isn't that whack?

Act 2
Oh boy a story twist! Lets see- do our heroes suddenly find themselves lost and confused? Have they lost faith in eachother? Has the writer run out of clever dialog? YES, so very quickly we move along to....

Act 3
LOTS of STUFF is gonna get blown up now. Yippeee. Now the villain seems like he is going to actually kill our heroes- could it be? Could his complete lack of any real motivation to be evil overcome our heroes desire to be good? NOOO! Of course not, our heroes miraculously take out a couple buildings (no civilian casualties) throw a few wisecracks in for good measure and kill the bad guy (who never has any friends or family who notice he has gone missing)

Evil Guy's Family Reunion:

Uncle: Uhh, anyone seen Joe lately?
Aunt: Well, I heard he was trying to take over the world.
Uncle: Oh... Well... he always was ambitious. Remember the time he killed the family dog because he "was feeling evil?"
Aunt: What a character.

Sorry, back to our story. The heroes win and of COURSE, we look forward to the next sequel with an open ended conclusion implying there are even more bad guys who want to take over the world and blow more shit up.

Tuesday, July 01, 2003


Just a quick note. After my recent posting on cell phone addicts, I checked my e-mail. And it has been confirmed. I am the chillest guy ever.

Today, I received two emails, each with the same subject line- God You ARE the chillest guy ever. One from a crazy ass, ludicrous SOB named Mike Ransom, and the other was from Anna (who I do not know).

In fact, Anna had this to say about my site, and I quote, " I thought it was pretty hilarious." So if that is not enough to convince you that I am the chillest guy ever, I don't know what is.

So there. Ha. All of you can suck it.

Why you can shove your cell phone up your butt

First off before a million people go off on me for labeling all cell phone users as arrogant, inconsiderate assholes- actually you are all assholes so no big deal.

I was among friends tonight at a pizza place, and as we sat down I noticed that could count the number of cell phones being handled/talked on/ on two hands and there were only eight people at our freakin table.

Anyway, as we sat through dinner and a relative lack of any social communication I began to put two and two together. People are so fucking accustomed to their technology and their computer screens that it becomes so awkward just to sit around a table and talk, that people have to play goddamn videogames to pass the time before their food gets there. Jesus God. What the hell is the point of spending time together if every other minute someone is getting up to go talk on a cell phone with someone else? What the hell happened to decent conversation? Every time I am talking with someone and I see them grab for their phone and say "Just one sec" I want to punch them in the face, take their cell phone, smash it and then watch them cry. They probably would need counseling.

Idiot: And then this guy named Greg he took my cell phone.
Counselor: And what did Greg do?
Idiot: Well then, ::sob::, he.... he....
Counselor: Just come out and say it.
Idiot: He turned it off. Oh God!!
Counselor: Thats terrible... Oh lets have a hug... Greg will never turn it off again. He is a bad person.
Idiot: And, whats worst is that... is that... I couldn't hear my lame ass 50 Cent ring for a whole minute.

At this point I would come storming into the room, punch the counselor, steal the cell phone, run outside drop kick the cell phone, and laugh. And then I would go back in and slap each of them again. Twice.