Saturday, February 28, 2004

Saying The Passion is Anti-Semitic is like saying that Schindler's List is Anti-German

I am perhaps the only person who walked out of seeing Mel Gibson's The Passion and said "Eh, that was alright." Honestly, I may be the only person who has the balls to say that The Passion ISN'T THAT GREAT. Allow me to break it down for you.

Gibson gets 1 star for going balls out and telling Hollywood "BITE ME"

Gibson loses 1 star for being sadistic with his violence (And don't tell me the violence is the point, you stupid regurgitators of movie reviews, if violence is the point why don't you zombies go watch Kill Bill? BUT NOOO Kill Bill is bad because its so violent, SO SHUT IT)

Gibson gets 1 star for doing any scene with satan well and filming the entire picture gorgeously (kudos to Caleb Deschanel)

Gibson also gets 1 star for hiring awesome actors (albeit completely misusing Monicca Bellucci)

So 3 star movie. It's okay, but its not going to make you shit your holy pants or anything.

Lastly, its not fucking anti-semitic you dumbasses. I saw this loser on MTV (motto: We are cool, WE ARE COOL) saying "WAAAHHH I give it two thumbs down because I'm offended that he says the Jews killed Jesus WAAAA." Blow me asshole. The Africans didn't kill Jesus. Get over it. Additionally Jesus WAS A JEW. Fucking moron.

God I hate MTV.

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Monday, February 23, 2004

I Hate Phoenix

What really sucks about Phoenix is how much it is starting to turn into L.A. (motto: Come See Our Freeways!!) The other night I was out in Chandler (a suburb of Phoenix) hanging out with some friends but then I decided to go because they put on the Lion King and since as a child I had been beaten over the head with this movie I decided I had better things to do... like clip my toenails or something.

Anyway, the point of this is not that The Lion King is for kids, the point is that when I decided to go home I found that the freeway was closed. No biggie I thought I am sure that they posted detour signs that will get me home. Silly me.

25 fuckin minutes of following detour signs later I am about ready to off-road my ass home. I fuckin keep driving, I smell cow shit and realize "Oh boy I am now surrounded by farms I am sure that I am heading towards a major metropolitan city" Finally, as if God didn't already hate me I encounter the following sign:

Phoenix - 18 Miles

Fuckin Christ- how is it possible to be 18 GODDAMN MILES OUTSIDE OF PHOENIX? Someone at some point should have said "You know what, this place is fuckin big enough, lets stop buildin roads, besides who the fuck is gonna want to be 18 goddamn miles outside of Phoenix anyways" Damn straight I would have said. And then I would have gone to the Phoenix City Planners who were probably stoned out of their minds:

Planner: Yeah Man... lets just build downtown EVERYWHERE, cuz then it will be like a big fuckin zoo...

Planner: Totally, I mean like I love giraffes... Yeah...

and I would have beaten them. Assholes.

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Wednesday, February 18, 2004

A Cordial Invitation to the Record Industry: Lick My Balls

In the ongoing battle of the RIAA vs. everyone and their mother- everyone scored a point today when a woman sued the RIAA for Racketeering.

HELL YES!!! It's about time we told them to shove their Gestapo crap up their assholes. Honestly, if I were a lawyer I would get up in court and begin my opening statement with-

"Your honor, I think I speak for the world when I say to the record industry: TAKE IT DEEP. Yes, that's right on behalf of the world's population I send the record industry a big: fuck you."

That alone would not only qualify me as the biggest badass ever, it would easily make up for every single CD I bought from those overcharging assmunchers.

I swear to God if I win the lottery I am firstly- buying myself an island and then SETTING UP A THOUSAND COMPUTERS FILLED WITH FREE MUSIC on my fuckin island. And then when the RIAA comes to my island with their bullshit lawsuits I will politely direct my Head of Asskicking (me) to destroy the enemy with my missile launchers.

If I ruled an island I am pretty sure that everyone would want to live there. And if you didn't, you would be a big fuckin loser.

Can you step? Email me.

Saturday, February 14, 2004

Memo To McDonald's: Insulting Me Won't Make Me Buy Your Food

In my continuing quest to point out shitty marketing schemes I think I have come upon the most terrible idea yet- INSULT THE CUSTOMERS!! Yes, that's it- because if they aren't buying our products in their normal moods, then lets make them hate us.

Here's the context of what I am talking about-

McDonald's Tool: I don't think you are man enough to eat our new hamburgers. So, next time you stop by, make sure you are tough and try our new hamburger.

Let's pause and reflect on the stupidity for a moment.... Okay. Firstly, if being manly means eating disgusting fast food that is immediately rejected by my stomach because it thinks I just ate shit- then I am a big pansie ass. Screw being manly. How about this advertising scheme?

McDonald's Tool: Are you human? No? Good then, you will love our new food which is completely indistinguishable from dog shit.

I hate McDonald's. Except for milkshakes, I will drink those.

Can you step? Email me.

Monday, February 09, 2004

Hell On Earth

There is no question in my mind that hell does not exist. This is mainly because I am quite sure that hell is instead a very REAL place on earth. I am going to be as delicate as I can with this- but as anyone who reads this regularly (in addition to being badass), knows that I am not the delicate type. Ahem. So to preface this- I am happy for anyone who has a life changing experience, finds Jesus, hugs a cross, cries their eyes out etc. Additionally, I appreciate the amount of time that goes into planning something like this- oh fuck it, im sorry if you're offended. There- anyway...


This really deserves like a 6 page thesis entitled - Ways to Eliminate the Teen Threat (Send Them to Confirmation Camp). How can I put into words the feeling you get when you have heard about 60 Christian Rock songs and would be willing to cut off a finger in order to hear the words shit, fuck, bitch etc. in a song. Why has no one questioned the whole Christian rock thing??? In addition to being WAY SHITTY- how the fuck are you expecting to appeal to any audience with lyrics like-


I would rather have my eyelids torn off than have to listen to that shit again. I came home and threw on Linkin Park and Less Than Jake for about 10 hours to undo the damage to my musical taste.

That being said- have you ever been around morons? Good, now imagine being around morons, who have no capacity for rational thought at all, and in addition are big pussies. Sound familiar? No, well then. Welcome to my world. Allow me to sum up the point of the retreat

and, in order to undo my terrible life

Additionally, if you "Go to parties" or "drink" you are a sinner. Well, shit on me, but last I recall Jesus was turning water into wine, not the other way around assholes. Additionally, on what basis is drinking bad? Are we condemning a good 3/4 of the world because they drink alcohol? Are smokers sinners? Are birthday parties bad?


Lastly- I have found out that I am "too cool" for God. This came as a great shock to me, because I would have thought that if anyone were to be the epitome of cool IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A FUCKIN DEITY. But no- its me.

Retreat Leader: Are you too cool for Jesus Greg?
Greg: No.
Retreat Leader: Well, you aren't singing.
Greg: So?
Retreat Leader: I think you think that you are too cool for Jesus.
Greg: You're wrong.

This line of questioning was clearly getting to him, so instead of pursuing it I was forced to sing in the front of the room so Jesus would change his mind about me and not send me to hell.

Thank God I have been saved.

Can you step? Email me.

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

Things That Have No Place At A Hockey Game

If you haven't had a chance to look at the Coyote's new arena- you should. It's so much better than America West Arena that it is like comparing Anna Kournikova to Anna Nicole Smith. (I apologize to Anna Kournikova for using her in a metaphor that included that dumb whale).

ANYWAY, as part of this whole "New Coyotes" advertising scheme the Coyotes have implemented something new- SOMETHING SO ABSOLUTELY FUCKING TERRIBLE that I have honestly closed my eyes not to watch... male cheerleaders.

Now- I am all for cheerleaders. I love cheerleaders. BUT A MALE CHEERLEADER AT A HOCKEY GAME IS UNNEEDED, UNCALLED FOR AND JUST PLAIN WRONG. Now, this is going to be tough to even type, so bear with me...

I was just sitting in my seat, minding my own business, enjoying the hockey game when it happened... This... person comes running down the aisle throwing his hands in the air yelling something stupid like GO TEAM, and then proceeds... oh god... TO DO THE ROBOT.

To say that I wanted to kick him down the aisle just doesn't do it justice. My desire to end his happy little parade of fun would be more akin to Anna Nicole Smith's desire to eat herself retarded. (That's two A.N.S. metaphors for those keeping track at home).

Alas, my dad had taken the aisle seat, but trust me- when that dude looked at me and said "LETS CHEER" I didn't move a fuckin inch. My Glare O' Death was on High Beams. He's lucky I am not that dude from X-Men or I would have blasted his ass with my death ray.

And another thing- since when have figure skaters routinely performed at hockey events?? EH?? For those of you who are perhaps a bit unfamiliar with how hockey players view figure skating its probably like- oh shit im out of metaphors, just understand that over my DEAD body would I ever strap on tights and a tutu and prance around the ice. So you can imagine my anger when NOT ONLY was Vanilla Ice blocking my view of the game, but during intermission we get the Coyote Pep Team doing circle 8's. Where's my Sumo Hockey?????? WHERE'S MY MINI MITE HOCKEY INTERMISSION GAME???

If the Coyotes have to turn hockey into some pussy dance show to sell tickets than my ass is gonna be MIA next season.

Kinda like Anna Nicole Smith's popularity. (Boo-yah that's three)

Can you step? Email me.