Sunday, August 31, 2003

You are about to be raped by the RIAA

Wonderful news: the Record Industry is going to launch virus's that illegally search your hard drive and delete songs they think you downloaded illegally. Can anyone say ILLEGAL GODDAMN SEARCH AND SEIZURE? Where the fuck is the ACLU?

That's a fun read, the Record Industry is hiring hackers. Here's an idea: why don't we throw every single person affiliated with the RIAA in jail. Since it seems that the Record Industry wants to kill anyone who touches a computer, I think its only fair that President Bush orders a pre-emptive strike against the RIAA.


Saturday, August 30, 2003

Genius Marketing

Ask yourself- Is there anything more annoying than some flamboyant asshole yelling "YOU MUST BUY THIS CAR TODAY, THIS IS THE ABSOLUTELY LOWEST PRICE EVER" while you are trying to find music on the radio. (This brings up the interesting question of "wait a second, last week you said it was the lowest price ever...)

Anyway, before yesterday I would have said that Asshole Yelling Man was the most annoying thing on the radio- but I have been enlightened. Easily the most annoying marketing scheme on the radio:

"Today on the Zone: (insert the beginning of a cool song here) and later on the Zone (insert another beginning to a cool song) and now back to the music (insert shitty song here). "

Oh it gets better, during the next break they throw this at you:

"Zone music is the best, take for example (INSERT THE REFRAIN OF A COOL SONG HERE FOR 25 seconds) and now the entire song..."

So, after they are done being assholes by pretending to play good music, they then play the catchy part of a song only to start the goddamn song over again. Am I the only person here who thinks this is backwards ass marketing? DON'T TELL ME WHAT MUSIC YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY, JUST PLAY IT.

Call me Old School but this is how radio should be:

Prank Call
More Music

Thats just about it. Simple, yet brilliant. Notice the absence of "Shitty marketing scheme."

I'm done.

Monday, August 25, 2003

Just Because You Can Copy and Paste Does NOT Mean You Are Intelligent

I have just discovered the newest internet fad and guess what? I don't like it. Everywhere I turn people are posting lyrics to songs as if we are supposed to infer the deep meaning they have in their lives. Let me give you an example, I used to put Coldplay lyrics on my profile, I was an idiot. Now I have seen the error of my ways and have written my own poem.

Not creative, head up my ass
I can't write, to a website I dash
I copy and paste what I think seems deep
Something about a lover's leap
Now if I am lucky, girl's won't see
The stupid and ignorant side of me
Because if ever I had to show what is mine
Empty wastelands of shit would they find

God I love it. And I give you untalented shits permission to copy and paste it, provided you say you were inspired by it's vivid imagery and poetic depth. Ha.

Sunday, August 24, 2003

When Your Favorite Book is "T.V. Guide"- You are in Deep Shit

Why is it that people's conversation always gets to the point where you ask "What's your favorite T.V. show?" Yeah, with intelligent programming just rampant on U.S. cable this is a great talking point.

Idiot: So, did you catch The Amazing Race?
Greg: No.
Idiot: How about Who Wants to Marry My Dad?
Greg: No.
Idiot: Don't you just love Kelly Clarkson?
Greg: No.
Idiot: Did you ever see that one show, with the group of friends who like live together and do stuff all the time? God I love that show.
Greg: Wonderful.
Idiot: So, like what do you do all day?
Greg::must refrain from hitting::

God knows people are going to be like so what do YOU watch Mr. Smartypants. So, if you really care I watch about 30 minutes of T.V. a week, and it usually involves- South Park and/or The Simpsons or a Discovery Channel thing where people get eaten by sharks, or some part of a movie where there are buildings being blown up. Other than that I really prefer GOING OUT seeing a movie (there's a concept, getting off of your fat ass) or reading a book (that's where you take letters, and the letters form words and then the words tell a story).

On that note, I hate people who are uninteresting. If you think you are uninteresting you have two options: Jump off of a cliff and save me the trouble of beating you senseless OR do one of the following: 1. Learn how to read 2. Go see a movie that does not have a number after the name 3. Hell go for the gold and see a play (you have to pretend the stage isn't there). There's more but if you really are that boring there is not much I can do at this point.

Monday, August 18, 2003

Easy Solutions to The Gas Crisis

For all those out there who are saying "what crisis?" I say "SCREW YOU LUCKY BASTARDS." For all those in Phoenix who are aware of the fact that we are shit out of gas at the moment, I have come with two easy solutions to our crisis- both of which are entirely realistic and support my theory that if I were to run the world things would be better.

1. Take over the Middle East. Hell, we already got Iraq, why stop there? What has the Middle East done for us lately? All they do is start goddamn wars and overcharge for oil. No more of this OPEC "we swear we can't ship anymore, and we promise we aren't greedy basards" shit. We take Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Syria, and all the other sand filled places and take it over. We can call it "U.S. East."

2. This proposal is a more local solution: Secede from the Union and Declare War on Utah. It's about goddamn time we did something about Utah anyways. So, I lead an advance into Utah, threaten to spray all the Mormons with beer (Mormons can't drink beer, try to stay with me) and we have a bloodless take over. I steal all the gas we need, take a small percentage and for shits and giggles build casinos and strip clubs in downtown Salt Lake City. I am such an ass.

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

And Now For Something Completely Different

I just realized that my friend Chavez's life had not been put into a book or at least made into a shitty made-for-tv movie. So, per his request, I embarked on a research expedition (from my kitchen to my keyboard) to find out about the real Chavez. The results were amazingly inaccurate. Enjoy.

Chavez was born in a little town called Beeotch. There he was raised by a Pit Bull named Rex. Rex fed Chavez corn dogs only. So Chavez got fat. Now Chavez doesn't corn dogs and now you know why. So then Chavez woke up one day and was like "Screw this Beeotch I am going to Phoenix." So he did.

Upon arriving in Phoenix, Chavez was named Miss Teen Arizona. He wore the crown for a year before people realized he was cross dressing. By then it was too late and they tried to cut off his penis. This did not make Chavez happy and he reluctantly gave his crown to Kathy Lee Gifford.

His next great accomplishment was being named "Cool Guy" by Greg Dunaway. The honor came with the prize of watching The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" with Greg. However, it was all a setup by Greg to see if Chavez was a super badass and if he would make fun of the film in the theater with Greg. Chavez passed with flying colors remarking "this movie makes me want to shit on myself." Now, with Greg, he is in charge of the "League of People Who Want Their Goddamn money back."

Chavez's next goal is to find the Woman of his Dreams who is now currently living in France. She likes long walks on the beach, french fries and following Chavez's orders.

ChaVez is notoriously difficult to find. He can camouflage easily into his surroundings by crouching low and hoping you are tall. If you do happen to see him, remember he is armed and horny. Act accordingly.

Should you want your life forever immortalized in a fake biography, email me and I will surely give you a ridiculously high price.

California vs. Arizona BATTLE ROYALE

I just got home from California, and while I was driving through L.A. the most ingenious of thoughts hit me- this place is a shithole. In fact, I am all for bombing L.A. to shit and starting over. Rush hour never sleeps, no matter what time you are on the road there are shitty L.A. drivers cutting you off and then proceeding to ride the brakes. I was tempted to throw my car into "Ramming Speed." Then when you look out the window to try and take your mind off of the 5 m.p.h. killer pace you are currently driving- you see smog and ugly buildlings. Alright thats enough, I mean at least California has decent government (ahahaaha). Anyway, now for our main event- Should I have moved from California to Arizona? You are about to find out.


ARIZONA WINS California blows sooo much. Enough said.

TIE In Arizona girls wear next to nothing in the summer, but (no pun intended, I kill me) in California there are an equal amount of girls who are hot and they have a beach to flaunt it on. Also, since Arizona ranks like 2nd to last in education there are a lot of dumb girls running around. So, tie.

CALIFORNIA WINS Arizona has Big Surf. Pathetic.

ARIZONA WINS Everything is too goddamn expensive in California. Gas is ridiculous and I bought a small thing of Apple Juice for like a buck fifty. People in California get bent over backwards on this type of crap. Stupid assholes always wanting to vote for more government bullshit and then they don't get it when their taxes are off the goddamn wall. In Arizona we shoot government officials who overtax us.

TIE Yeah, yeah, I know a tie is lame. However, while California has better skiing, Arizona has better weather for six months of the year. California has Six Flags and Disneyland and Arizona has... well Arizona has jack shit in this department, but we have the Grand Canyon dammit. Anyway, I think the two states suck equal amounts anyways.

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

California: Re-affirming My Hatred of Hippies Since 1986

I am currently on vacation right now in California, where I was born and raised. Every summer my family journeys here, to Eureka, the hippie capital of the world. Now, I am all for doing whatever the hell you want, but I swear to god if I see one more person walking around aimlessly because they are high and wearing a shirt that says "Save the Trees" I am going pack that person into a box and send their ass straight to Libya or some other place where I can count on them getting their ass kicked.


This is just what this lame ass state needs. Back when I lived here this state was kicking ass and taking names. Now we have some pansy ass governor named Gray- (note to parents: names that say kick my ass- Peabody, Sebastian and Gray) who has royally screwed over this state. Proving his pansiness, he is now running away from Arnold and fighting his legal recall in the courts. If I had my way, Arnold would be given a high powered paint ball gun and Gray would be given a scooter. Gray would then scoot around and cry while Arnold shot at him and said stuff like "I AM THE TAX ELIMINATOR." God I rock.