Wednesday, September 29, 2004


It's back and better than ever. My twisted sense of humor - 24/7.

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Monday, September 27, 2004

College Fashion Is Really Stupid

First off, since I'm at LMU, where there are literally billions, and I mean billions of well dressed people obsessing over their new Gucci crap, maybe I'm the odd man out here.

However, in my 4 weeks here I have a developed a pretty fool proof way to find fake people at this school: I quickly gauge how much their wardrobe is worth.

In between 20 and 40 dollars: Probably cool people. Chances are they shop in the same way I do (I don't) and like me haven't spent more than a few seconds at Abercrombie and Fitch to stick their heads in and make note of the idiots buying ripped clothing. These people probably are the people who if you accidentally spilled something on them, would laugh and tell you not to worry about it because it's just a shirt and not their car. These people also wear cheap flip flops, jeans and a shirt as a general rule. Their sunglasses are also not worth as much as their X-boxes.

In between 40 and 60 dollars: These are generally the girls who walk around in groups comparing notes on what they are wearing and constantly nagging, "Where did you get that?" I am so tempted to turn around and say something akin to: "GODDAMMIT, where do you think? Unless she sewed it herself it's at a fucking clothes store. Check out the logo."

This also applies to some guys, which is sad and pathetic and horrible all at once. These are the guys who are insecure and compensate by only wearing certain clothing brands. I happen to sit close to one guy who alternates between Tommy Hilfiger and Abercrombie. I laugh at him every single morning. I get up every day at 10:45 for my 11AM class. This asshole must get up at least at 9:30 to do his hair, make sure his sunglasses fit perfectly on his head, iron his jeans, put on his expensive clothes, and then check himself out in the mirror. This is the type of guy that shallow girls fall for because he looks like the guys in Cosmopolitan. They also are very stupid and cannot think outside of the immediate world in front of them.

These guys are a disgrace to all men.

In between 60 and 80 dollars: A totally unique sort of person, so obsessed with himself/herself that they usually don't even bother to notice that people think they are total morons. An example: this Greek guy stalked a girl and kept buying her shit and offering to take her to Disneyland and such. The guy had known the girl for 10 minutes. 10 minutes. And for some reason, the guy didn't really understand- THE GIRL WASN'T INTERESTED. In fact she called campus safety. Hmm...

On the flipside of this coin we have the girls who spend their every waking hour mixing and matching their 50 dollar skirts to their 40 dollar shirts so that self-absorbed guys can later walk by and call them sluts. I have little or no respect for these self absorbed girls.

So there it is. My quick guide to making judgement calls on the fly. It never fails. I suggest printing out a copy of this guide and holding it with you at all times to avoid catastrophe.

Or you could go back to browsing and listening to Britney Spears.

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Thursday, September 23, 2004

Kerry Challenges Iraqi Record

WASHINGTON - At a rally today, Senator John Kerry challenged President Bush's vision of Iraq saying it was "fuzzy" and "confusing." Citing his stellar record of attending 24% of all Senate Intelligence meetings and not attending one single Intelligence meeting after the first World Trade Center attack Kerry said, "Someone in the know, like me, could tell you that Iraq really is no threat." When challenged on his record Kerry responded, "How many Senate Intelligence meetings has President Bush attended? I'll tell you - NONE."

Meanwhile as Interim Iraqi President Allawi thanked the United States for all of it's help in liberating the country, President Kerry took the opportunity to explain how Allawi was wrong. "This is the wrong Allawi, for the wrong Iraq, at the wrong time." Continuing Kerry said, "While Allawi may live and work in Iraq, since he supports President Bush he is clearly ignorant to the intelligence that I am privy to and really has no grasp of what is going on in Iraq."

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Saturday, September 18, 2004

John Kerry Campaign Positions Discovered

WASHINGTON D.C. - John Kerry's campaign has announced that they have discovered John Kerry's official on positions ranging from Iraq to the economy. Official Susan Randall announced, "We have basically been winging it on our official positions thus far in the campaign, but with these newly discovered positions we may end up standing for something after all." Randall commented that the records were discovered in Al Gore's social security lockbox. "Apparently Al was digging through his old Social Security lockbox, looking for Florida recount votes when he stumbled upon Mr. Kerry's views."

She speculates that they may have come into Mr. Gore's position when Mr. Kerry lobbed his views, along with Vietnam war medals over the White House wall. "Mr. Gore was always walking the grounds with nothing really to do as Vice President, so it is entirely possible he found them on one of his evening strolls." When questioned as to whether Mr. Gore found Kerry's War Medals, Ms. Randall announced that he had, but Mr. Kerry wasn't sure whether he wanted them back or not. "Once we sort through our beliefs, we'll let you know if Mr. Kerry is still proud of his military service, it may turn out that Mr. Kerry may revert to his staunch Anti-Vietnam stance that he held in the 1970's. We just aren't sure at this point."

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Wednesday, September 15, 2004

To the NHL

To both the idiots who are running the NHL and the snobby players who are preventing the NHL season from starting:


From one hockey player to another - you are getting paid millions to play the best sport on earth. SHUT UP.

To the owners: this season presents a unique opportunity for the NHL. HDTV is becoming more and more mainstream, and lucky for you- the NHL SHINES ON HDTV. Hockey has a problem not because it isn't entertaining to watch, but because conventional televisions do a super shitty job of conveying that excitement. With the advent of HDTV fans like myself are able to see the lightning quick passes, the subtle jabs of the sticks, and blow-by-blow fights.

But maybe you're right, locking up the season is the best course of action. Players just aren't making enough money in a nation where their salary occupies the top 1% of all incomes. And owners really care about the game... which is why they are shutting down the season.

If the owners and players don't get their shit together, professional hockey may not recover. Which sucks, because the NBA blows and baseball is boring.

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Monday, September 13, 2004

Microsoft Word New Feature!! Time Travel!

With Microsoft Word XP 2004, not only can you make quality documents- you can make them in 1974!! With our patented Dan Rather Time Travel Technology not only can Microsoft take you places normal word processors won't - we can take you to places in the past!

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Sunday, September 12, 2004

California Is Awesome

The beach is amazing. I love the beach. I go twice a week for about 3 hours each time and I still can't get it out of my head that I'm in college and not on an extended vacation. Anytime I want to go the beach my main concern is:
Which one?

Manhattan, Venice, Hermosa, Dottweiler. It's tough to choose between them. That's it for now, I'm in too good of a mood to talk about anything else. I suggest two links for today:

Looks like Mikey is getting his comeuppance.

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P.S. I have begun work on a new blog- something entirely new.

Friday, September 10, 2004


The architects of this wickedness will find no safe harbor in this world. We will chase our enemies to the furthest corners of this Earth. It must be war without quarter, pursuit without rest, victory without qualification.
--Rep. Tom Delay

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Monday, September 06, 2004

Winning the War on Terror?

Let's be quite frank here. Winning the "War on Terror" (which by the way isn't the two smartest word associations in the world here war=terror etc. etc.) is probably not feasible. It's a catchphrase, it's stupid and I hate when I see stupid Fox News graphics saying things like "ALERT UPDATE - WAR ON TERROR 2004 - BROUGHT TO YOU BY GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL."

I think the President made the misstep of saying something honest the other day- that it is entirely possible that the war will never be won. Republicans across the world immediately began shitting their pants. After issuing a collective, "Whaaaa?" they sought solace from the administration (which literally two seconds after the President said this went into Retraction Overdrive), who assured them that:

In fact what the President had meant they said was that the War On Terror COULD be won, it would just be really hard.

Big mistake. In addition to sounding exactly like something John Kerry would say ("I believe in the War on Terror unless the President believes in it, in which case I'll take the other side") it was a stupid retraction.

We aren't ever going to get rid of people who hate the U.S. People have always hated what we stand for, and always will. Although apparently John Kerry will mystically make these terrorists dissapear with a big hug that he has been practicing non-stop with John Edwards.

It's odd - I get a feeling like the President is truly a weary commander. He has done his best to defend the nation (rightly or wrongly) and perhaps the constant controversy is finally getting to him. He seems tired of the Washington machine, and I don't think this "slip" is unrelated to that. I appreciate his honesty.

It won't happen, but I would be happier if the Republicans had nominated someone else. It's time to give Bush a break.

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Friday, September 03, 2004

Terrorism Is A Real Threat

Let's not forget that while we debate between the two next rich white guys to run our country, that the price of freedom is being paid by innocents throughout the world. Al Qaeda militants have killed over 200 men, women and children in Russia.

I can't help but think that this is where appeasement will take us to.
Nice work Spain.

Good luck to Russia in bringing the bastards to justice.

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Chris Matthews Is An Ignorant Jerk

Chris Matthews is annoying and his voice makes me sick. He thinks he is so smart sitting in his in his stupid chair cutting off his guests and yelling until they shut up.

I think he is threatened by Bill O'Reilly who while also annoying at least doesn't put up with political rhetorical crap. Matthews is stupid, no one likes him and I hope his show gets canceled and he ends up on late night infomercials endorsing hair pieces.

Also, Al Franken is an annoying jerk. His only funny movie was Stuart Saves His Family and let me see... that was 10 years ago. Since when is it okay for washed out not funny comedians to get involved in politics? Oh wait. That's NEVER.

In fact I think that Al Franken was so terrible that you can't even catch him on SNL re-runs anymore. Even SNL disowned you Al. That sucks, because SNL isn't funny.

Al Franken should shut up and go back to the hole of mediocrity he crawled out of. No one likes you anymore Al and being an annoying liberal idiot isn't helping your case any.

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