Sunday, May 30, 2004

3 Guys. 3 Countries. 2 Weeks.

Sounds like a bad teen comedy, but it's not. I am the fuck outta the country on Thursday, with the goal of visiting Amsterdam, Paris, and London. We have an elaborate itinerary that reads something like:

1. Don't die.
2. Go to Amsterdam.
3. Don't die.
4. Go to Paris.
5. Don't die.

etc. etc. That doesn't even include the trip getting back to the U.S. (and it's assuming a lot that we don't get lost in Europe and end up working in traveling circus or something.)

So if you have anything terribly important to say to me, you have 3 days to do it before I become a cracked out Red Light District streetwalker.

Needless to say my adventure abroad will make for plenty of awesome stories, so expect good entries when I return, until then I suggest re-reading my site starting back in the beginning, reading about 3 a day, and then when I get back you will be SET.

And now I'm gonna go pack my bags, ready my drug and prostitute money, and research drinking laws in Europe.

Adios amigos I'll see you again on the 17th- assuming I can learn how to type again.

P.S. Ladies- Brad Pitt, George Clooney and Matt Damon will be wrapping up filming on Ocean's 12 while I'm in Amsterdam. If you want, I will touch them in your name. Let me know.

Can you step? Email me.

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

We're All Going To Die

Al Gore Gives The Day After Tomorrow "Two Thumbs Up"

Taking time out of his schedule as the infamous loser of the 2000 Presidential election, Al Gore has settled into his new job as movie reviewer. At a recent speech railing President Bush, Gore used the movie "The Day After Tomorrow" to critique the President's environmental policy. At the event he said, "Had I been elected, I would have banned SUV's and trucks and mandated that every household own a Civic."

Questioned as to how he would have fought the so-called "Greenhouse Effect" he pointed to one of "Tomorrow's" key action sequences. "See when the sun gets really hot because we drive cars too much, the North Pole melts. If I were President, the earth would have been placed in a lockbox to prevent this catastrophe."

While it is well known that the ex-Vice President invented the internet, he also informed the crowd that he had created "the cure for pollution" but that "President Bush stole it from my lockbox."

When asked for comment White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said, "Mr. Gore is simply wrong, this is Roland Emmerich's worst film since Godzilla and the special effects can't save a trite plot and poor acting. The President gives the film a C-."

Can you step? Email me.

Saturday, May 22, 2004

I Am Anti-Feminazi and I VOTE

I hate radical liberal women (to be fair liberal men are idiots too, but to a lesser extent because they don't go around hugging trees and bitching about how men are ruining their lives.)

I don't want to be a party pooper, but guess what women? The feminist movement checked out, hold on let me check my calendar, ABOUT TEN YEARS AGO. The more you keep bitching and putting stupid ass bumper stickers like "I'M PRO-CHOICE AND I VOTE" and "ENVIRONMENT IS EVERYTHING" men like me are going to keep ridiculing you.

I am going to create a few bumper stickers of my own - "I KILLED A SPOTTED OWL" or "PROUD OWNER OF OVER 5 AUTOMATIC WEAPONS." Like the feminazi bumper stickers, none of it is true and no one should give a shit, but my sole goal is to get some stupid hippie whine feminist to give me the finger so I can throw my shoe at her car.

In the meantime perhaps we can delay these women from their important goals like:

1. Killing unborn children
2. Taking away jobs through environmental bullshit
3. Destroying the Second Amendment
4. And of course whining about being oppressed

Can you step? Email me.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Let's Define Torture

It seems as if America has become quite the bastard in the last few days. It seems as if numerous images depicting soldiers treating Iraqis poorly have sufaced. In fact, the images are quite disturbing, as I have stated before, the assholes who soiled the military's and America's name, should be court martialed.

However, a few other pictures and videos have also appeared. Although this time the "torturers" cut off a man's head, while he was still alive, on camera, with a dull sword.

For those who are still unclear allow me to vent a bit


But the liberals are right. These are a civil people who just want us out of Iraq so they can carry on their peaceful lives with their nonviolent culture and we are really big dickheads for intruding upon their passive, happy Muslim existence.


Perhaps its time we moved on from our own torture scandal and focus on the fact that these indiscriminant terrorists would DO THE SAME THING TO YOU if given the chance. You, your mother, your father, your sister, your brother, your children. We have come to a fork in the road in the history of our planet.

Do we allow this kind of evil to stew and simmer in Middle East? Do we allow people to fuck with us because of the color of our skin? Do we let the pure unadulterated hate that is destroying the Middle East and the good people that live there to grow?

Ask yourself, because to delude your mind into thinking that 9-11 won't happen again is stupid. To delude yourself into thinking that the children that are being trained to hate Americans won't someday point guns at you and the ones you love is moronic.

Can you step? Email me.

Sunday, May 09, 2004

Intoxicated Golf is Probably Better than Bowling

I have decided that golfing is not a sport- my criteria being that if being drunk can make you a better player at said sport, than it's probably more of a hobby. Bowling is another example of this. However, my discovery was not an intentional scientific experiment. I was golfing with my dad and 2 of his friends and we were about 5 holes in. Then one of my dad's friends turned to me and the following conversation ensued:

Dad's Friend: Are you 21?
Greg: No.
Dad's Friend: Are you in college?
Greg: No, I'm a senior in high school.
Dad's Friend: Close enough, drink these two vodka bottles.
Greg looks perplexed.
Dad's Friend: I really want to beat you.

He was obviously tipsy in order to make such an offer, but nonetheless, I took him up on it. Much to his surprise the drinks actually made me play better. I fell into a sand trap, but dammit I was hitting the ball straight. Or hitting one of the three balls I was seeing straight. All I know is that by the time the buzz was wearing off I was shooting crappy again.

So if you are golfing and need to impress someone, consider getting drunk. And then consider driving the golf cart to scare the shit out of them.

Can you step? Email me.

Saturday, May 08, 2004

Here's A Shocker- Michael Moore Is Still Full of Shit

Time flies, but one thing remains the same: Ted Kennedy and Michael Moore are fat lying bastards. I, being one of two people in the world who occasionally flips past CSPAN, caught a lot of the Iraqi Prisoner saga. It was basically one huge attempt by stupid liberal Senators to appear morally conscious. After having the facts beaten through their heads, that the military had launched about 3 investigations, held two press conferences, and filed charges against these sick, twisted interrogators- before CBS had any idea what was going on- the liberals were still clueless.

Nonetheless, stupid idiot Kennedy, COUGH CHIPPAQUIDDICK COUGH, read through his bullshit questions and every time Rumsfeld bitch slapped his ass from across the room. He was so terrible that he made the Republican softball questions "Are you sorry Mr. Secretary?" "Oh, of course not, I wanted a huge scandal leading up to the election you fucking moron," look tough. Enough with this, ironically the best speaker was a Democrat- Joe Lieberman, and if a transcript of his comments exists anywhere I highly suggest you look them up. He was eloquent and right on the money when he said that the reason America is best nation on earth is that when we fuck up, we apologize and make it right, and NO ONE has apologized for 9/11, no one apologized for killing our soldiers in Afghanistan, and certainly no one has apologized for the brutal killing of four civilians in Iraq. So I think its about fucking time to let the military court martial these dickheads and move on.

Ahh, now for Michael Moore, my favorite punching bag. Looks like the master of fiction has lied yet again. Mikey started screaming CENSORSHIP again and crying when Disney decided not to distribute his latest Republican bashing movie. BUT, Mikey lied about how the whole deal went down. What he says happened is that Disney all of a sudden decided not to distribute his movie because of political pressure. The truth (Something he is not really accustomed to, so let's all cut him some slack) is that Disney is only financing his film and in fact told him over a year ago that they had no interest in distributing it.

So looks Moore is capitalizing on all the publicity. Surprise, surprise indeed. The next time Moore wants to write a book about "Stupid White Men" it should be an autobiography.

Can you step? Email me.

Monday, May 03, 2004

Things I Don't Care About And Things You Pretend To Care About

I refuse to believe that half of the people who have asked me where I am going to college truly give a shit. And honestly, unless you are going to one of the two colleges I have committed to (don't ask, and no I don't know if that's illegal), don't bother scribbling it all over your profile, spouting it off to random people ("Do you think it will be cold at Harvard?") assuming people are just chomping at the bit to find out. Guess what? Chances are if people are curious about something- they will ask you.

And furthermore, just because you got into some high powered college, does NOT make you smart. God knows one of the most brainless people I have ever met is going to Notre Dame (this person was featured on this website if you look hard enough). So, if you are going to run around saying "Princeton 08" just know that one day your comeuppance will come- hopefully in the form of someone running their foot up your ass.

Can you step? Email me.