Sunday, October 31, 2004

Halloween is An Amazing Event

I don't think that Halloween can be truly appreciated until you go to college. Halloween is basically an excuse for everyone on campus to get hammered and for the girls to compete with eachother in the "Least Clothing" contest.

Last night I managed to get lost on my own campus, go to a Frat Dance party thing, listen to some girl explain why I should go to her room after the dance (I didn't, but the reasons were funny- "I seriously love you..."You don't know my name"), piss off a girl by complimenting her (the journey from my brain to mouth is treacherous), wander back to my apartment, go to some off campus party in a car with my cousin and her boyfriend, find the on tap Coors IN THE LIVING ROOM (ideas for my own apartment forming), talked to a girl who was in ROTC about why I am an amazing pilot, pretended to be a Senior when talking to a Freshman, pretended to be a Sophomore when talking to a Senior, go back to campus in a different car than I came in with girls I didn't know, pass out on bed.

If you aren't in college, pretend to be... or just follow me around or something.

Can you step? Email me.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Sean Penn is Stupid and Michael Moore is at Fat, Stupid, White Man

If Sean Penn was a smart man he probably would not have gotten pissed off about his portrayal in Team America: World Police (probably the best movie ever made- "America, FUCK YEAH").

If Sean Penn was intelligent he would have realized that Trey Parker and Matt Stone were making fun of him for being a loud mouthed, attention seeking Hollywood liberal who spouted off opinions that no one wanted to hear.

However, Sean Penn is stupid.

Sean Penn responded with an angry and very confused memo, which in addition to composed by someone struggling with English comprehension, is stupid. It's apparent that Penn is pissed off about being portrayed as the self important actor that he is- but he won't admit it. Instead, he spouts off a bunch of crap about visiting the Middle Eastand voting and disembowlment. He even invites Trey and Matt to go with him. Their response:

TREY: He was honestly like “How dare someone make fun of me?” And what was so funny is that in the movie what we have them [the liberal actors -GD] do is say “I went to Iraq! I went to Iraq!” when all of us are like we don’t give a rat’s ass if you went to Iraq. Dude, I went to the Grand Canyon once, but that doesn’t make me an expert, you know. It’s funny that we then get this letter and it’s like “PS: And I went to Iraq! I went to Iraq!”

In other Greg Hates Michael Moore (who is a fabulous puppet in Team America) news:

Farenhype 9-11 is a wonderful illustration of Michael Moore's neverending lies. It features point-by-point rebuttals of all the bullshit in Fahrenheit 9-11, and will generally cause Moore lovers to shit their collective pants. I enjoyed it, minus Ron Silver who really had no business being in the documentary.

Also, to all whacko liberals out there who maintain that Moore "maybe fabricates some stuff, but still gets the point across," I suggest you take a gander over here. Hopefully, this can be the first step to you finally being able to pull your head out of your ass.

I don't object to Michael Moore being a fatass socialists weiner. I don't object to him making movies. I object to his manipulation of facts, interviews and flat out lying to his viewers all while claiming to be a documentarian. BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT.

Can you step? Email me.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Reasons To Invade Iraq

Everyone has such a hard time figuring out why we went to Iraq. Isn't it obvious?


I am willing to be that one day George Bush was getting on Air Force One and some stupid ass Security Official (mistaking him for a Palestinian terrorist- an easy mistake to make) told him that:
A. His bags needed to be searched.
B. To take off his shoes
C. To remove all change and keys
D. To walk through the Metal Detector slowly.
E. Again.
F. Sir, do you have a belt on? Sir, please pick up your belongings and walk this way for a personal search.
G. Sir, have your belongings been with you at all times?
H. Sir, take off your socks. Sir, put your socks back on.
I. Thank you sir, have a nice day.
J. Come back here sir.
K. Just kidding, you're late for your flight.

At this point, if I were President, I'd be ready to start a war too. "Fuck this shit, if one more person says, 'Did you pack all of your belongings?' I'M INVADING A MIDDLE EASTERN COUNTRY." And dammit, George W. is many things, but he is man of his word.

Thanks to the Transportation and Security Administration- we're in Iraq.

Can you step? Email me.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Sean Combs Is A Moron

The Vote or Die campaign is probably the worst idea ever. MTV pretends to be patriotic as they spoon feed you biased election coverage, presented by Dr. Pepper, endorsed by Xzibit, sponsored by Tony Hawk 3, and Sum 41's new CD out in stores this week. MTV can blow me. MTV covering politics is like having Hillary Clinton lead a marriage conference. It doesn't make any sense.

Sean Combs should be at least publicly whipped for encouraging thousands of uninformed voters to vote. Since when is having morons vote a good idea? Hmm...? Let's see we could have a thousand voters who know their ass from a hole in the ground OR we could have a bunch of Puff Daddy lovers voting because if they don't they'll DIE. I'll take my chances without the rap community encouraging the uneducated youth to vote. Thanks anyway though.

Remember if you watch MTV or read Rolling Stone for political news - JUST DON'T VOTE.

"...if you don't know anything and if you are just going to vote for George Bush because he is already in office or if you are going to vote for John Kerry because he is on the cover of Rolling Stone, don't vote. And there is no shame in that. The only shame is not really knowing anything, being uninformed and going voting. Because then you are just not helping us out at all."
-Trey Parker

Can you step? Email me.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Foreign Relations Made Easy

People often ask me, "Greg, besides being so popular and good looking, how do you view the current foreign policy of the Bush administration?" And being libertarian I say, "He's wrong, Kerry's wrong, and you're an idiot for believing either of them. However, apparently this is offensive, so here is my non-offensive guide to foreign policy.

First we have the Republicans (i.e. Bush) and their view of the world.

Next up we have Senator Kerry and the Democrats.

Now you may be saying "Greg, where do you fall in the scheme of things?" Do you think the world is full of terrorists waiting to blow us up or are you a pussy?" To which I answer:


Obviously, I'm right.

Can you step? Email me.

Monday, October 11, 2004

It's No Longer Cool To Be the Class Moron

If you happen to be spending thousands of dollars in college, and quite frankly most college students are, I would like to make an announcement:


Nope, I'm afraid your "Isn't it funny I'm slower than George Bush in a debate?" routine has officially worn out its welcome.

This is almost as bad as the guys who have long hair, dress like Tony Hawk, and sit in the back doodling. I actually don't give a shit that they look like the lovechild of Hot Topic and Tommy Hilfiger, what pisses me off is that inevitably when they are asked to comment on ANYTHING during class it begins with "Uhhh" and ends with "I'm not sure." That'll go over well in job interviews.

Boss: So it says here you went to college?
Tony Hawk: Uhh.... Yeah... I'm not too sure.
Boss: Did you or did you not go to college?
Tony Hawk: Uhh... Like you know... I'm not sure...

Can you step? Email me.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

TV Sucks

I can't think of good reasons to turn on the TV anymore. I keep up with news on the internet and really can't think of a good reason to encourage Dan Rather to screw up anymore. I don't like sitcoms because canned laughter always has been and always will be stupid and jeuvenille. I don't like reality TV because it's unrealistic and stupid. If you want some reality pick your fat ass off the couch and walk outside. And I sure as hell don't like most of the dramas that are on T.V.

The O.C. is a soap opera for teenagers, and the rest of the crap on the other networks is all derivative of eachother.

To further illustrate my point I give you my original, superb illustration of the current T.V. Lineup.

The only shows I can loosely reccomend, and by loosely I mean if you don't have anything better to do are: South Park, The Shield, and Rescue Me. The Simpsons is good if you can ever catch it, but chances are you won't. Screw T.V.

Can you step? Email me.