Monday, December 29, 2003

Technical Stuff Sucks

My website and I have a very special relationship- I don't mess with it and it doesn't crash. However, I violated this Golden Rule and tried to spruce things up a bit with a counter. My site was pissed off, but generally okay with this. Yet, being the innovator I am (insert laughter here), I went even further and put in a link to my AIM screenname because you assholes are too lazy to email me. THAT just pushed my site over the edge. He gave me a big fat middle finger and proceeded to keel over and die.

So, not learning my lesson I am gonna do it again dammit. You will notice a brand spanking new counter to your right. Because dammit my site may not be the most sophisticated but I'll be damned if I don't have bragging rights about my page views (just add 3000 to the number because thats just about where I was before my site kicked the bucket). And as soon as I can find another way to link to my AIM account and fuck up my site even more I will do that too. Technology sucks.

Can you step? Email me.

Friday, December 26, 2003

Frank Swigonski is Smarter Than You

My friend Frank once told me that were he alive during the Civil War he would have fought on the side of the south. Me, being an ignorant SOB, immediately thought "uhh doesn't that make you racist."

Of course Frank's mind was laughing his ass off at that point and he probably could have eaten me with his intellect, but he didn't. Frank instead explained to me the terrible distorted history that we come to embrace as the noble Civil War. You will get no history lessons here, suffice to say that you are most definetly WRONG as to whatever you think the Civil War was about.


Anyone who is stupid enough to send their children to Michael Jackson's house deserves to be shot. I mean, Jesus Christ; the man readily admits to SLEEPING WITH CHILDREN. And our stupid ass society says "Oh, well that's his life choice." Dammit, I want to run the fucking media, here's how things would go down.

Welcome to the Greg Dunaway Show of No Bullshit Bitchin

Greg: So Michael you sleep with children?
Michael Jackson (in a pussy voice): Yes.
Greg: That's fucked up.
Michael Jackson: No, that's the way I share my love.
Greg: Perhaps I misunderstood you, did you just say you shared love with children in bed?
Michael Jackson: Yes, I love them.
Greg (slowly pulling out shotgun): OH, well then, thats great, uh huh, wonderful.... ::BANG BANG::

I love being the only person who has the balls to tell it like it is.

Can you step? Email me.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Have A PC Christmas

Is it really necessary to sit around and wonder if you are going to offend someone by saying Merry Christmas? Who in their right mind is offended by this? If someone wished me happy quanza or happy hannukah or Buddha sends his love, I wouldn't give two shits. But instead we get "Season's Greetings." WHAT THE SHIT DOES THIS MEAN??

Is the season sending me greetings? Are you sending me greetings by way of the season? Do all seasons have greetings? THIS IS THE WORST PHRASE EVER, no one knows what the fuck you are saying other than "I am too pussy to wish anything other than a general happiness bullshit phrase."

Also, I would pay for the following encounter with Santa to happen-

Santa: Have you been a good little boy this year Mark?
Santa: And what does a good little boy want this year for Christmas?
Santa: .............

Now Santa is kinda screwed here. I mean Mark has been a good little boy, so shouldn't he get what he wants for Christmas? It's tough to be the fat man.

In the words of Mr. Garrison...

Merry Fuckin Christmas
Can you step? Email me.

Thursday, December 18, 2003


Back in the day (like 7 months ago) I used to get a lot of emails about this... thing. Apparently I haven't being doing my duty of pissing people off and generally causing a lot of confused stares from idiots and as a result the emails began to slack. So in the spirit of 7 months ago... that was a shitty sentence, anyway, here is the beginning of a bi/tri/likely not a whole lot-weekly feature of me answering emails.

Dear Hockey Guy,

Do you have trouble with life wearing all that hockey equipment? If so, please


The Lodge, MN

Indeed, the I.Q. of people who read my site never ceases to astound me. Ahem.
No, I don't have trouble wearing hockey equipment, no I don't have trouble with life and no I don't usually have trouble with both at the same time. Ugh. Next email.


I love you.


Simple, elegant wonderful. I am all about the lovin. Free lovin that is.. for me... from hot chicks. YES.

Anyway, there are a few more, but I accidentally deleted them. Whoops.

Yes, Return of the King is the shit. I have seen it twice in 24 hours and hell yeah it was worth it. HOWEVER...

Have you ever had someone in front of you who thinks they are SOO fuckin funny and they yell at the screen with comments that they think are ridiculously funny?

OH YES, there was one little asshole in front of me who almost, almost had a tub of popcorn dumped on his fat head. Who are these ass clowns? Do they go to movies to be a fuckin comedian? Saying "look behind you" when a character is about to be suprised by a huge fucking spider is not funny nor witty. What are you expecting a fuckin pat on the back for being witless dickhead? No shit its behind him you moron, thats the tension in the scene.

Alright, that being said- I am out like Howard Dean's chances of being President.

Can you step? Email me.

Monday, December 15, 2003

Greg's Final Exam Guide

Oddly enough, my last dissertation on studying got the most hits of anything I have ever written- so continuing on that subject I am now going to share with you the secret to my success.


Hence, I am giving you my schedule and plan of attack to conquer my math final.

TUESDAY- Day Before Math Final

1PM to 10PM - Sitting on ass, taking breaks at 15 minute intervals to ensure laziness is at full potential

10PM - leaving to go see RETURN OF THE KING

4AM - recovering from the awesomeness of Return of The King, will attempt to sleep

9:30AM - roll out of bed, shower, eat a hearty breakfast of cereal, read the paper maybe

10:00AM - go to school, steal someone's math book (i lost mine), look over a few chapters... maybe

10:30AM - Ace exam

So to everyone who doesn't give a shit like me.. I SALUTE YOU. And to everyone who is going to be huddled over the math books, wasting time cramming shit into your head you will forget in a day- sucks to be you.

I am awesome.

On an awesomer note, send me your best emails with questions/comments. I am thinking of putting them together for a weekly feature "Shitty emails."

Can you step? Email me.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

Studying Is For Pansies

Every time someone says "I can't (insert cool thing here) because I have to study." I feel like cramming their math book up their ass. The whole point of going to school is NOT to sit on your ass for 6 hours when you get home and senselessly try to indoctrinate yourself with useless bullshit. Guess what- if you died tomorrow no one is goin to give a flying fuck whether or not you studied for your stupid ass calculus test, what people will remember is you being a jackass and not spending time with them.

I have mastered the art of not doing shit for school. My backpack hasn't left my car in weeks. Don't you get it? There are no "school" nights. There are only nights- and each one you waste sitting on your ass is one less night left in your life. A night you could have spent with friends or partying or doing ANYTHING other than cramming useless shit into your mind. You are all slaves. You have to do it because you have to go to a good college because you have to get into graduate school because you have to make lots and lots of money. Only one minor fuckin problem with this- YOU COULD DIE IN YOUR SLEEP TONIGHT. Boy, that changes things a little bit. So instead of being a little fuckin peon- live a little. Pansies.

Can you step? Email me.

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

People Who Deserve Nothing Less Than Death

1. The assclowns over at Cox Cable who can't find a way to keep my internet from crashing every fuckin two seconds
2. Anyone who does less than 5 over the speed limit in the left lane (I reccomend shotgun to the torso)
3. Every single person who works at MTV. No exceptions. You all deserve death. Shitty shows, shitty music, shitty station.
4. Hell, anyone who watches MTV. Your life sucks if you can't find anything better to do, might as well end it.

God, I had written a whole other thing on why people who are ashamed to be white blow- but my computer crashed so now you get this half assed entry. I fucking hate my computer.

And I fucking hate my car. I live in constant fear of my car goin, "OH SHIT, I am 20 years old and there is a lot of fuckin things that can go wrong- and one of them just did and you have NO idea what it is." Inevitably the car will explode and I will be incinerated. Until that time I will continue to do 15 over at all times- no exceptions. SPEED LIMITS ARE SUGGESTIONS.

Goddammit, I am re-typing that other shit I wrote. Fuck you Bill Gates.

Can you step? Email me.

Monday, December 01, 2003

The Democratic Candidates are Intellectual Blowhards

I am by no means a conservative Christian nazi (I tend to qualify myself as an equal opportunity politician hater), but I swear to God the Democratic candidates for President are MORONS. Jesus Christ. Let us take an objective look a what they are bitching about-

The Economy- It's all Bush's fault. OH REALLY. Perhaps you skipped the chapter in Economy called the "market cycle." It's where after a time of prosperity (largely due to the Reagan tax cuts, not to Bill Clinton getting blowjobs contrary to popular belief), is followed by a time of depression. THIS IS INEVITABLE. So what does Bush do- he gives everybody a tax cut. BUTT NOOOO. Democrats don't like this, because giving people their hard earned money back is too fucking logical for their pea sized brains to handle. So shut the fuck up about the economy. Guess what- we are heading back into prosperity so SUCK IT.

The War- Justified or not we are in war. Stop backstabbing the troops in Iraq by constantly bitching about about how their fighting is worthless. Goddammit, they are there, Iraq is fucked up and we need to deal with it. So suck it up, and move on.

The International Community- Since when has it become a priority to give a flying fuck about what other countries think about us? What are we- a bunch of self conscious wimps? Do Democrats constantly ask themselves "Does this shirt and tie make me look fat?" Perhaps if you were like me, and didn't give two shits what anyone, much less some asshole in Germany, thought about you, you could make wise decisions. Instead, you remind me of a 13 year old girl who constantly needs a reassuring hug from old Grandmother U.N. Shut up.

The Old Classic "Bush is a Moron"- Besides the fact this is a pure ad hominem attack and should therefore be immediately ignored, I will still deal with it. The fact is the guy made it through Yale (with C's of course, but Jesus come on... it's Yale) Did anyone ever think to ask where Al Gore went to college? No? Well fine, I am not going to be the one to point out that not only did his college suck, but this asshole has changed his views on abortion like trying on a new pair of shoes. You don't just wake up one day and suddenly decide "Hmm... being pro choice would be fun." It is a fucking fundamental decision. I hate politicians. Dammit where was I?

Yes. Bush is a moron. Okay, lets assume Bush is a moron. Look at the people he has surrounded himself with. He could sit on his ass all day and the country would still run reasonably well. We have Condoleeza Rice, a Notre Dame graduate, quite possibly the smartest woman alive on his right. And on his left we have Colin Powell, quite possibly the best military leader this country has seen in the last decade. So Democrats can seriously shut the fuck up about "Bush doesn't know shit about defense" because goddammit if he doesn't, between Rice and Powell we have enough military intellect to fuckin take over the world.

Who would I vote for? I would vote libertarian. I just fuckin hate Democrats.

Can you step? Email me.