Thursday, July 22, 2004

If You Think Celebrities Know Politics, For the Good of the Country - Shoot Yourself

Flipping the channels the other day, I saw MTV pretending to know politics. (Other things they pretend to know include: fashion and music). Some stupid old white guy was encouraging people to vote. MTV contains some of the stupidest, most moronic programming in the world, I would venture to guess that at least 15% of America's bad taste comes from MTV alone. So personally I prefer that the people who watch MTV NOT VOTE. In fact, I propose my own advertising campaign for MTV to use:

This year, let America become great again
We encourage MTV viewers to

A simple transition from ROCK THE VOTE to JUST NOT VOTE could save us millions of moronic teens from walking into polling booths asking to see "those hanging chad things, dude can I meet chad?"

Speaking of idiots, since when does America give a flying fuck what celebrities think about elections? It's not like there is a diverse opinion out in Hollywood about politics, if you aren't left of center, you are discriminated against, so obviously all the vocal goddamn morons (BARBARA STREISAND) are going to vote for John Kerry. They probably also identify with him because he is worth more than most people could make in three or four lifetimes.

So the next time some stupid musician decides that you didn't drop 50 bucks to see them actually play music, extend your God given right as an American to raise your middle finger and let them know how you feel.

Honestly, listening to celebrities give political advice is like asking John Kerry what a day of honest work is like. You'll get an answer, but it will be complete bullshit.

Can you step? Email me.

P.S. Trey Parker and Matt Stone have almost finished work on their new movie:
TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE. It's the story of America's superheroes who constantly have to save the world from danger. It also features Michael Moore as a villain with a permanately food stained shirt. If this doesn't sound like the greatest movie ever, I don't know what does. I SMELL A FUCKING OSCAR.

Thursday, July 15, 2004

Tears For America

“The bureaucracy relished their own inflated titles while they paralyzed the empire with antiquated and time-consuming procedures that resulted in masses of paperwork. People were promoted based on seniority rather than competence, and the enormous complexity of the system led to rampant corruption. Government officials expected bribes for the smallest transaction.
“Both Diocletian and Constantine greatly increased state control over the lives of Roman citizens. Both believed that the disorder of the 3rd century demanded a larger army, central economic planning, and an expanded bureaucracy to collect the taxes and monitor an increasing number of regulations. They tried to maintain order in the empire through the detailed management of Roman society. Local officials could not control trade and economic planning, so the government divided the provinces into smaller units and sent separate military and civil administrators to enforce new regulations.
Authoritarian rule permeated every aspect of Roman life as the government bound farmers to their land and craftspeople to their trade. The government required the sons of bakers or shipbuilders to follow their fathers' careers. The emperors even established a secret police, and the old unregulated economic system yielded to a planned economy. The emperors often appealed to the public good when they suppressed individual rights, requisitioned goods, or increased taxes. In the words of one writer of the period, the empire became a prison."
-“Roman Empire”
America is the greatest nation on earth. There is no doubt in my mind that America has become the land of opportunity for millions upon millions of people. The freedoms we enjoy here have caused us to not only influence the course of the world’s history, but also to set examples of how the world should strive to govern. Which is why it pains me so terribly to see our nation begin to collapse.
Whether through deceit or pure ignorance those in charge of our well being in government have changed fundamentally the duties and powers of government. This new set of values and goals will kill whatever remains of America’s spirit and nature. It will not be in my time or my children’s, but I fear that my grandchildren will live to see the collapse of America and all that she has come to stand for. I fear for them because so few can see the inevitability of this collapse.
No longer do our politicians govern out of love of country. They govern out of fear of re-election, out of love of money and power. Our politicians have no duty other than to those that stuff their election campaigns with donations, no respect other than a love of the bureaucracy that has made them powerful. 
Their beliefs change with the mood of the country. For politicians, the slightest change in polls determines their views on a given issue. All that matters is that their hair looks good for Larry King. They stand for nothing, and the media, supposedly our last means of control, entrusted with finding truth, stand aside as the charlatans wave their wands. 
Career politicians are elected not because of their competence, but because of their so-called “experience,” when in reality they have done nothing but linger in a facade of inaction for a decade. They have no experience in the real world, have no concept of what is important to the American people.
Those whom bear our name and whom represent our voices no longer do so. They act to better themselves and their pocketbooks.
The government now functions only to make itself larger. With a Republican President, Senate and Congress, the large, overbroad bureaucratic behemoth still eats away at what is left of America’s self-responsibility. We border on entering Marxist values, coupled with the Big Brother mentality of Orwell’s legendary 1984. Politicians call for expanded welfare, more regulations, more restrictions, and more intrusions into our daily lives then ever before.
Big Government is a thing of the past, my children will only know “Bigger Government.” Unbelievably the average middle class family must now work until JULY, just to pay off the government’s taxes. They keep no money until August. Do you hear of this travesty in the news? Or has it just become so ingrained into our daily lives that we refuse to care?
This is not the freedom our forefather’s intended. This is the unfair government we have worked so hard to avoid.
Worst off, children are now being brought up to disrespect America. There is no sense of loyalty to our country; we do what is best for ourselves, in every case. Duty, honor and sacrifice are anachronisms in our world. Rare is it to hear of someone standing up for the United States, even in our own country.  Negative reporting of America and our people dominates the airwaves in other countries, and we say nothing. The silence of good men is the worst curse anyone could wish on our country.
As the government continues to expand, and as we have politicians like Kerry and Edwards who vow to raise taxes and increase government spending, the corruption of not only our government, but our society will continue to grow by leaps and bounds. This is not a reflection on Kerry and Edwards character but merely an unavoidable truth. 
This is not the America I want. Rome was the foundation our forefathers had in mind for our country at its founding. It is sad that it will be the portend to our destruction.
Can you step? Email me.

Sunday, July 11, 2004

Shitty Countries

I happen, much to the chagrin of liberals everywhere, that the United States is a decent country. I think that Americans as a whole, are kind, generous and generally good natured people who take pride in their independence and freedom.

(However, I think that this trend is changing and one of my next "serious" postings will treat the destruction of the U.S. from within)

And while the world keeps on bashing the U.S., largely because of the liberal governments unbelievable control of the media in said countries, I have decided to swipe back by labeling these countries as "SHITTY." And there's not a damn thing they can do to stop me.

My criteria is three-fold: Do I think these countries are shitty? Is the government shitty? Is their food shitty?

In no particular order, the SHITTIEST countries in the world are:

1. China

China is just stupid. Seriously. If you live in China LEAVE. Run. Steal a boat and if caught remind the officers that you live in a shitty communist country where everything belongs to everybody anyway. China is so shitty that they screen every piece of art that goes into the country, and 90% of the time they censor this material. Recently, the stupid communist fucks decided that Harry Potter would not be shown, because it would hurt teens somehow. Brilliant.

As for the food, its communist food and it smells bad. China sucks.

2. The Middle East

Damn right I'm not going to list them all. The entire Middle East is shitty. Everyone is always fighting everyone, we constantly have to save Israel's ass because the rest of the Middle East hates them. We started a war because Iraq was shitty. Syria and Iran train people with terrorist shit to blow up our shit. Everyone over their is always starting shitty Jihads. Why can't they just chill. Christ.

Basically, the entire Middle East is one big pile of shit that constantly pulls us into their shit, making us mildly shitty.

I hate the Middle East. And the food tastes bad because down the road a bomb just exploded and it makes your food taste bad.

3. France

Dammit I actually like France. I think the culture is kickass. Everyone just goes to parks and sleeps and eats all the time. BUT DAMMIT France is now SHITTY.

France's sole purpose is to be the little whiny bitch of the world. Chirac is a fucking creep, and the rest of his socialist government blows. And by blows I mean 70% tax rate blows. That's shitty. Screw them.

And to think that we constantly have to save their asses again and again. The only time France can ever claim a military victory is when we do most of the fighting.

French food is actually good but it's expensive. So there.

4. Belgium and Luxembourg

These countries aren't THAT shitty. But still shitty. The reason is that they never do anything. Someone should just annex them, just for the hell of it. See if they even notice.

Netherlands: Um... Hullo there yeah we annexed you.
Belgium: Oh.. Well then. Sorry to be a bother.
Netherlands: Wait. You're not understanding. We own you now.
Belgium: Yes, yes that's all good and well. Good bye then.

Plus those assholes were neutral in World War 2. How exactly does one remain neutral when a psycho Nazi freak has made it quite clear he wants to take over the world? Do you chalk it up to temporary insanity? Oh, Hitler will get better, he'll pop a few Aspirin and be right as rain. Idiots.

Foodwise these guys eat French Fries with mayonaise which is disgusting.

Honorable Mention: Canada

Canada doesn't make the cut, largely because no one gives a shit what Canada says or does, but also because they invented hockey which kicks ass. In Canada the government controls all media (hence Fox News a moderately right news channel is illegal). Which is CENSORSHIP and CENSORSHIP BLOWS ASS.

Foodwise I'm sure they eat moose which is probably gross.

And that's it. If can think of anymore, you're welcome to put it in the comments stuff.

(which by the way I finally got around to putting in, only because the people who read my website are WAAAYYY too lazy to ever email me. FYI I will rarely post anything except when I feel like it)

Can you step? Email me.

Thursday, July 08, 2004

Pepper Spray In San Diego

"I'm sorry I sprayed MACE into your eyes Meaghan. I didn't mean to."

If you happen to be a Scottsdale girl, and you happen to carry MACE in your purse, I suggest you hide it in a better place than your purse, because God knows some guy is going to get curious, pull it out and attempt to spray it in your general direction.

How do I know this?

Stephen Shanley.

Stephen, in his wisdom, while waiting in line at Seaworld (which used to maintain a family friendly environment until the two of us showed up) held up his sister's MACE and said "I wonder if this works" and then casually pulled the trigger in the general direction of his sister's face. Hilarity, and by hilarity I mean really-funny-but-you-feel-shitty-laughing hilarity ensued. Meaghan freaked and started running around half blind and was asked by a security guard quote "Are you okay?" to which she replied "YEEEAARGHGHFGHFD." Which was apparently enough to satisfy this security guard who probably thought that Meaghan was the spawn of satan, having gone blood red, foaming at the mouth and speaking in tongues.

Needless to say, she recovered, Stephen was sorry, and we went to Seaworld, the biggest cash cow in the entire UNIVERSE. 50 bucks to get in, 7 bucks for a Coke, 2 bucks for a refill, 10 bucks for a burrito. AND THEN. AND THEN ON TOP OF THIS....

THEY CHARGE YOU TO DO THEIR SHITWORK. Instead of having to feed their own fucking dolphins, they just charge unassuming tourists 4 bucks to go throw fish at dolphins. These guys are brilliant. Oh and then they drop water on your ass so you are cold as shit, so you have to buy one of their 20 dollar t-shirts. HENCE, I am now the proud owner of a Bud Light T-Shirt.

I hope Shamu eats an executive. I would pay to see that.

Can you step? Email me.

Friday, July 02, 2004

Ch Ch Ch Check It Out - The Beastie Boys SUCK

There was a time (License to Ill mainly) when the Beastie Boys were badass. Songs like No Sleep Till Brooklyn, Fight For Your Right To Party, Girls,
Brass Monkey, actually every song was pretty damn good.

What made this rap debut different (besides the fact they were all white boys)was the party attitude these guys had. It was balls out riffs, lyrics and songs. Fast forward 20 years.

The Beastie Boys are fat, old, bald and apologetic for their "party" years. Fuck that. You can't claim a social conscience just because you're old and sorry. Just because you aren't partiers doesn't make you boring and stupid and all holy.

Or maybe it does. After listening to their new album, it's clear that the Beastie Boy's have lost their touch. Every song is derivative of Hello Nasty, and I sorely miss the days when the Beastie Boys had real instruments... like guitars.

On another note these TV Shows don't suck:

Beavis and Butthead
South Park
The Shield
The Simpsons

and that's IT. Everything else on TV SUCKS ASS. You are wasting your time. Nothing else is smart, interesting or entertaining.

Can you step? Email me.

I'm leaving for CA, don't count on any updates unless I get eaten by a shark... partially eaten or something else cool happens.