Sunday, November 28, 2004

Alexander Is Shit Because It SUCKS

Anyone who thinks that Alexander is doing jack shit at the Box Office for any other reason that it is horribly plotted, boring, and poorly constructed is a dumbass. How typical of Europeans to accuse the peon American people of being "insensitive" to a movie about an ancient conqueror because we all hate gay people. Right. So if a movie is about a Irish college student and we don't see it, THE ONLY REASON we didn't see it was because, as Americans, we hate Irish college students? (This moment of logic brought to you by the socialists in Europe.)

God forbid that Americans picked up a newspaper, read the numerous reviews, and decided they had better things to do with their time than see a 3 hour boring biopic by an overrated director.

But according to the socialist commune over in Europe, all of America has conspiratorially met and universally decided that any movie that depicts homosexuals in any fashion will be ceremoniously shat on by not only the liberal press here in America, but the everyday Joe at the box office all at once.

This explains why The Birdcage, largely about a gay couple, did so poorly. So once again a friendly reminder to Europe to mind it's own goddamn business and quit preaching off of your high ivory tower. We'll let you know if and when we want your opinion. We don't need it.

Can you step? Email me.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Road Trip Time

I am now three months into my collegiate career and while I have done severely, severely, stupid things I have not yet managed to do anything utterly ridiculous. So, in order to remedy this deficiency I am taking up the time honored tradition of every college guy- the Road Trip.

My goal is to get from my campus in L.A. to the campus of the University of Arizona sometime Friday evening. Barring an act of God (don't you do it God, because I will be PISSED), we will be on campus in time to party Friday evening and stop sometime Sunday morning.

So far our gameplan consists of:

1. Party
2. Sleep
3. Party
4. Food
5. Sleep

As Front Seat Navigator it is my duty to prepare a detailed map and plan for the trip. Although it is still in the early stages, this map gives a good idea of the extra research I've done for the trip.

So, friends, brothers, countrymen at U of A, I call upon you to party with me.

Can you step? Email me.

Friday, November 12, 2004

If Your Name Starts With M, Date Me

Attention girls, I have another addition to the list of 1 billion reasons to date me. As if I wasn't immediately attractive enough, I give you reason 1 billion and one to date me. Tonight I came into possession (i.e. found) a beautiful necklace with the letter M as the centerpiece. So, ladies, if your name starts with M, or if you want to lie to me and tell me your name starts with M, in addition to getting me, you are going to get this beautiful necklace.

It's a win-win situation.

Can you step? Email me.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

United States of AMERICA

Probably my last post about Michael Moore for a while (although rubbing it in is quite amazing). However, today I saw something that just pissed me off. Mikey posted a map of the U.S. implying that every single person who voted for George Bush was stuck in "Jesusland." Everyone else was in "The United States of Canada."

Besides being retarded in logic (Moore himself claims to be a Catholic), I would like to point out that indeed WE AREN'T CANADA. Congrats Mike, we GET IT. However, while Moore would like us all to believe that fiscal conservatives are all Bible Thumping inbred hokeys, I would like to present my own version of Mikey's map.

Screw you Mike, move to Canada. There you can enjoy crappy socialist healthcare, and ride a moose to work. But no, you can't have that, because then God forbid- you might not be so rich anymore!

We'll stay here and carry on the tradition of American independence. You can go mooch off of their economy.

Can you step? Email me.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Time Is Running OUT!!

With each passing moment, Michael Moore's relevance is slipping away. Capture this classic moment in time by bidding on Michael Moore's relevance on Ebay.

Once the champion of the underdog, now the champion of the overweight, Moore has proved once again that the American people have zero tolerance for socialist bullshit. Help America remember Moore for what he truly was- a self important, elitist liar.

Can you step? Email me.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Greg's YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT Guide to Voting

Note: This mostly applies to Floridians. If you guys fuck up again, you're out. Seriously, I say we give you away to Cuba. So pay attention.

Electronic Voting

This is so dumbass proof I'm surprised we let it into our voting system. I think you should have to earn it when you vote. There should be a maze you have to successfully navigate before you can vote, filled with man eating rabbits and stuff. But that's neither here nor there. The issue is pushing a goddamn button next to the idiot you want elected. I've illustrated it for you below:

Paper Ballot

A little harder because it actually requires you to pick up a pencil. Ridiculous. You should have to slay a dragon, not pick up a pen. Dammit we had to fight off a whole British Empire to earn the right to elect idiots like Kerry to the Office of the President. Anyway, this is also idiot proof.

If you can't handle either of these two systems you should be sent to Europe, where voting doesn't matter because everything is socialist.


Hurray for the U.S.!!

Can you step? Email me.