Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Hidden Jesuit Powers

Recently it has come to my attention that a lot of people don't understand how awesome Jesuits are. They've been kicking ass since their founder St. Ignatius was out boozing and killing people in the army. Since I have a ton of experience with Jesuits (basically all my life) I'm going to post 15 little known facts about the order.

1. Jesuits have been known to breathe fire on heathens. They accomplish this through Bacardi 151 and the Holy Spirit.
2. Jesuits can fly, but they don't have to prove anything so they rarely do it.
3. Jesuits can turn water into wine, but usually they turn it into brandy instead.
4. All Jesuits are trained in Kung Fu and could for sure kick Keanu Reeves ass.
5. One Jesuit in particular, Fr. Renna, may in fact be Dracula. He keeps this under wraps through mind control.
6. Jesuits can use The Force.
7. And lightsabers, if and when they are invented.
8. In the Middle Ages the Jesuits were challenged to beer pong by the Dominican friars. The Jesuits won with a perfect 10 cup victory.
9. Jesuits, when annoyed, have been known to rummage through their files and bust out their PhD in ass kicking.
10. The character of Darth Vader was based on Jesuit teachers. The Jesuits filed a lawsuit against George Lucas, on the basis that "Darth Vader was a huge sissy."
11. Jesuits ride bicycles not because they don't know how to drive, but because if a car makes the mistake of trying to hit them- they will use lasers from their eyes to blow out their tires.
12. Jesuits are smarter than Stephen Hawking, but feel bad so they don't say anything.
13. Jesuits know exactly how long Pi is.
14. Jesuits are required to carry flasks. If anyone other than a Jesuit drinks from this flask, God smotes them.
15. Jesuits aren't afraid to eat your soul, if need be.

That's all I can think of off the top of my head, if you have had an encounter with a Jesuit that you would like to share, I'll be more than happy to add to my list.

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Wednesday, September 07, 2005

France Surrenders to Lance Armstrong

In an effort to avoid conflict with noted Seven-Time Tour De France champion Lance Armstrong, Prime Minister Jacque Chirac has announced the complete surrender of France to Mr. Armstrong. The surrender comes in response to quotes from Armstrong that he intended to "piss the French off" by returning for another Tour de France next summer.

In a press conference today Chirac said, "France has a rich history of dealing with aggressors timidly and peacefully. We hope Mr. Armstrong won't occupy the French territory for long, however, if he does our initial plan is to ask the U.N. for a resolution to determine how long he will rule over France. If this fails, we'll probably ask the U.S. to bail us out."

When asked for comment, the White House said simply, "We're not surprised."

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