Monday, November 28, 2005

25 Reasons Girls Shouldn't Pretend To Understand Men

Via Tucker Max, I found a list of 25 Things that Girls Should Know About a Guy... written by a girl. That alone had bullshit-o-meter on high alert. The introductory paragraph was filled with stunning insights like, " When it comes to guys, you can usually narrow it down to three things: sports, sex, and beer." Okay, then allow me to narrow girls down to three things: Makeup, Bitching and Cooking.

Anyway, the list continued with either stuff that made me want to scream NO SHIT or was just plain wrong. It's just like all the cosmo crap that is purportedly written by men, but sounds disturbingly like exactly what girls want to hear. This particular list has, hands dow,n some of the stupidest and dumbest crap I've ever been forced to associate the male gender with. Anyway, here's some excerpts from the list with my commentary.

As much as you want to talk about past relationships, zip the lip.
Wow, Dr. Freud, slow down here. This stuff is groundbreaking.

Always wait to hear how many people they've slept with before you reveal your numbers.
How about you just don't bring it up period? One is already too many, especially if I know the guy then it counts for at least 30. Let's just pretend it's zero.

Every guy has one "dorky" hobby.
Right, so if I like Tarantino movies it's dorky, but if she likes wandering aimlessly in malls endlessly gabbering on about the latest trends it's normal? I don't think so. BULLSHIT.

They don't like your drunken alter ego.
WRONG. Guys love drunk girls- this is so stupendously wrong I think I'll just leave it alone.

If you haven't heard the expression, it goes something like this, "Bros before hoes."
What girl hasn't heard this? If a guy isn't being dragged around by a girl, he can and will make more time for his friends.

Try not to go through their shit.
Try not to go through my shit? Is there something I'm missing here? If a girl was that psycho, chances are most men wouldn't be wasting their time with her anyway.

If they smell like pot, they've probably been smoking.

If you approach it the right way, you can get any guy to watch Sex and the City with you.
Wrong. Dead wrong. I have zero interest in watching that crappy show and can think of numerous other guys who have sworn never to watch that feminine utopian lala land.

They have probably hooked up with one of your friends.
Why would you assume this? Most desirable girls have a ton of undesirable friends who make it their life's work to try and screw with guys who are interested in their desirable friend.

There's more, but I'm over it. Girls are clueless.

Can you step? Email me.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

George Bush Hates Everything

I don't think it's fair to limit George Bush's hatred in the way that Kanye West has. I think George Bush hates lots of things. For instance he hates midgets. But did Kanye mention that? No. And that's not fair and it's not American.

Here's a list of things that George Bush hates, that Mr. West somehow neglected to mention.

1. Asian Food- George Bush cooks on a BBQ, like real men.
2. Fat people- George Bush runs 5 miles a day. Fat people are slackers.
3. Indiana- Indiana sucks.
4. Meryl Streep- All her movies suck and George Bush knows it.
5. Midgets- Why can't they just get taller? George Bush doesn't know, but dammit he hates em anyway.
6. Trees- George Bush likes kicking the shit out of tree on vacation in Texas.
7. Hippies- Hippies are stupid, George Bush wants to constitutionally ban them and their music.
8. Anyone from Utah. George Bush thinks Utah shouldn't be a state. Mormons scare him.
9. Monkeys- Monkeys also scare George Bush. This is why George refused to visit Africa without a loaded shotgun.
10. Black people. Well duh.

Can you step? Email me.