Thursday, April 29, 2004

Movies Are Getting Worse Or My Tastes Are Getting Better

It's been a while since I have seen a really good movie, and I'm starting to get pissed off because movie tickets are goddamn expensive. Let's review.

The Punisher - Weak. Travolta is terrible, the neighbor characters are stupid, fat and ditzy (respectively), and the movie feels like it was made over 3 years with enough stupid footage about characters who are gay, wives who are or are not cheating that at some point you want to get up and yell STOP PUNISHING ME WITH YOUR USELESS BULLSHIT AND KILL SOMEONE!

Hellboy - Interesting idea, kinda weird, but going in I thought- this could be cool. It wasn't. Bad dialogue plus stupid villains equals another bad movie. The ending alone is so bad that my friends and I were laughing out loud. NOTE TO DIRECTORS: When the audience laughs at your climax- RE-WRITE YOUR SCRIPT. Let's see two cool comic book ideas fucked up by Hollywood. What's next...

Man on Fire - Now this movie was OKAY. Denzel was awesome, but the problem was.... you guessed it.. THE DIRECTOR. Let's see, if my name is Tony Scott and my brother is Ridley Scott (Gladiator director) and I have no talent, should I rip off my brother? YES. I actually said out loud by accident "Move the fuck along Tony" with his useless camera angle bullshit and neverending side plots.

Now this brings me to my point. The Three Essential Ingredients to the Revenge Movie

1. A pissed off main character, who isn't afraid to blow shit up, and isn't crying all the time and DOES NOT FALL IN LOVE.

2. A hot girl, (i.e. The Girl Next Door), who kinda runs around in skimpy clothing EVERY ONCE AND A WHILE. She may or may not say anything, but if she does its quick and doesn't piss me off.

3. A villain who makes me shit my pants. None of this typical whiny I am an asshole but try to understand me villainy, how about "I AM AN ASSHOLE, BRING IT ON PUSSY." That's a villain. If he can't twist your neck off in one try, he doesn't belong on screen.

And to be honest, most revenge movies are shitty anyways.

Can you step? Email me.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

The NBA Is Boring and The Players Are Sissies

About a week and a half ago, my friend Sparling took me to an NBA game. I hadn't been to one in about four years- and now I know why. The NBA is possibly the most expensive exercise is dullness that man has created. The players don't give a shit, the fans don't give a shit (they sit there in silence for 3/4 of the game, applauding mindlessly), and goddammit even the Suns gorilla didn't give a shit. The most exciting thing to happen was for a hot cheerleader to walk by.

I happened to have great seats, like 11th row and I think being closer to the game made it MORE boring. I could actually see the apathetic look on the player's faces as they watched the time tick by. The coach had a little fire under HIS ass because his ass is going to get canned because the Suns blow nuts. So he was flippin out as the Suns players sat and wondered if they were going to miss the Late Show. Oh and about the sissy part. This one guy does a lay up, trips and falls and then walks around IN AGONY because he jammed his finger. The Suns fans gave him a standing ovation. I laughed at him.

If my coach EVER heard about my crying about a jammed finger in hockey, my ass would ride the bench for the rest of the year. Look at the NHL, those motherfuckers GET STITCHES, STITCHES on the bench and get their asses back in the game. Stitches would be an emergency room trip, coupled with emergency press conferences and crying and flowers for the pussies in the NBA. In the NHL, stitches are a 15 second surgery performed on the bench. Not a highlight on Sportscenter.

Oh, I hope that TNN or Spike TV or whoever the fuck owns that one channel brings back that trampoline basketball. THAT SHIT KICKED ASS. You could check people into the boards and do dunks from half court. That is fucking basketball dammit. Not a bunch of wannabe gangsters who are asleep for 3 quarters and then half ass their way to the buzzer.

Can you step? Email me.

Sunday, April 18, 2004

This Just In: SNL Can Not Get Any More Boring and Christian Music Is Still Terrible

There is really no point to watching SNL anymore. I propose they shut it down and just show movies (preferably movies with explosions or hot girls). There is NO ONE funny, NO ONE with a shred of talent on that god forsaken show. The bits are old and stupid (the college dorm smoking pot joke was funny maybe the FIRST time that Jimmy Fallon and Horation Sanz did it- MAYBE). The studio audience (these people laugh at anything, they would laugh at a guy... no, just a guy, doing nothing... they would laugh hysterically) can't even find the humor in the show.

I've changed my mind, all of them should get their asses canned and replaced by Dave Chapelle. Dave Chapelle is awesome and deserves a pay raise.

SNL is so unfunny that one night I actually flipped to the Christian channel (which plays their "hip" music videos late at night) to sit and make fun of it instead of watching SNL. It is that bad. Seriously.

Funniest Christian video I have seen as of 12:11AM tonight: Three "punk" Christians singing with planets hanging around their heads on a stage, while an old guy sits in the back of the stage watching. They may or may not be British... OH GOD, MIND HAS JUST CHANGED. CHRISTIAN BOY BANDS. I AM LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY, one moment while I gather my thoughts...

OH GOD.. SO FUNNY. They are playing on the beach throwing water at each other. OH GOD. If they aren't catching the overt gay vibe, God knows I am. This is great. As they wear tight shirts and short shorts they say "We can be bold about our faith" AHAHAHAHA. Let me change into my speedo and I will go and preach down the street asshole. OH ITS AMAZING HE IS WEARING A SCARF. A SCARF. THE SCARF IS UNBELIEVABLE. This is the most terrible, revolting thing I have ever seen, and I am loving it. These guys are so bad, so unbelievably shitty that I seriously think they don't know how ugly and stupid they are. OH GOD, woo that was amazing. Ok, the preacher guy is back on t.v. he is making me want to commit suicide so time to switch to Chapelle Show.

P.S. If you want to watch CAPTAIN SCARF and his amigos, I took down the video name:
plus one
here in my heart

just put it on mute and laugh your ass off.

Can you step? Email me.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

I Have Endorsed John Kerry

For 1st Class IMBECILE!! Hurray for my joke.

Anyway, since it seems like every day the media lets us know exactly where John Kerry is, what color his suit is, what baby he kissed, how many times he blinked in a given minute, I have decided its about time to endorse SOMEONE ELSE. (If there was a bumper sticker that said "Anyone But Kerry" I would be SO THERE.)

So... without further ado I am proud to present the next President of the United States...


Dave Barry is a true American hero. He gets paid to make fun of people/things/events. There is truly no one more qualified to handle the responsibilities of President than Dave Barry. In his own words:

Dave Barry stands for YOU. As your president, he will work hard to serve you and protect you and make your life better, unless you're one of those people who make or receive cellular phone calls inside movie theaters, in which case Dave Barry thinks you should be killed with a hatchet.

God Bless This Man!!! Indeed let's go over the fundamental platforms of Barry's campaign and then compare them to Mr. Kerry's.


John Kerry: Something politically correct and stupid.

Dave Barry: You can call me courageous if you want, but I am against crime. I favor the death penalty for everything, including zoning violations. In the case of really, really bad criminals -- especially murderers and whoever is responsible for putting Jerry Springer on television -- I support a massive government project to develop a way to bring them back to life after we execute them, so we can execute them again.


John Kerry: Blah Blah Blah RAISE TAXES.

Dave Barry: A lot of my opponents have been going around spouting harebrained "pie-in-the-sky" tax schemes that promise "something for nothing." Well I say it's time for a "reality check." I favor a practical, fiscally sound, two-pronged "flat-tax" system, as follows:

PRONG ONE -- Everybody would pay less.

PRONG TWO -- You, personally, would pay nothing.


John Kerry: Blah Blah Blah RAISE TAXES

Dave Barry: I believe that American schoolchildren should be given standardized national educational tests, and I will tell you exactly why: Because I am not a schoolchild. I am strongly in favor of things that I, personally, do not have to do. Childbirth is another example.

Dave Barry is the clear winner. Additionally Dave Barry's public service record is far more impressive than John Kerry's (Kerry's usual more taxes, bigger government etc.)

PUBLIC SERVICE: In 1994, Dave Barry set fire to a pair of men's undershorts with a sparking Barbie doll on the David Letterman show. No other current presidential candidate can make this statement.

To conclude if you do not vote for Dave Barry, you're stupid and should be summarily shot.

Can you step? Email me.

Sunday, April 11, 2004

Elisha Cuthbert Can Move In Next Door / Why I Hate Hippie Parents

The Girl Next Door is an amazing movie. Absolutely amazing.

It is like a guy's dream. Hot girl moves in next door, girl likes boy and makes him ditch school and do awesome shit. Unbelievable. And by unbelievable I mean AWESOME.

I would like to take this opportunity to cordially invite Elisha Cuthbert to move in next door or move in to my house or take over my bedroom too. Whatever works.

NEXT TOPIC (This update is a two for one)

I hate hippie parents. I was in church today for Easter and this bitch ass mom wouldn't take her kid out of mass. Guess what moron- NOT EVERYONE ENJOYS HEARING YOUR KID SCREAM. In fact, I would venture to guess that no one likes hearing your stupid kid scream, so take the stupid kid outside, beat some sense into him and then go home and beat yourself for being a hippie asshole.

And what is with hippie parent's bringing their kids to R rated movies? Firstly, I saw toddlers at the Passion of the Christ. Oh good call parents- bring your kids to a 2 and a half hour torture film. That'll teach him some good solid values.

Look sweety you can see the flesh being ripped off.

Yeah, and when he faints everytime he sees a crucifix, you will know why... idiots.

Can you step? Email me.

Monday, April 05, 2004


I went to the Phoenix Film Festival over the weekend, and while I saw one of the worst movies of my life there (its so shitty that I won't mention it here to prevent you assholes from seeing it out of curiousity), I also saw one of the best- Saved!

Saved! not only bitch slaps the life teen movement in one awesome backhand to the face, it also makes me respect Mandy Moore a tiny bit, and Macauley Culkin as well!! That's goddamn impressive to turn a no talent assclown singer and a freak wannabe actor into half decent on my scale of coolness.

Well Greg- what's so cool you? you say. Well faithful reader, go see the fuckin movie.

Na, I will tell you a bit. Saved! in addition to being a scathing critique on dogmatic religion, basically points out the fact that no matter how much a bunch of teens holding hands and singing kumbaya think otherwise, you can't suddenly turn "religious" into "cool."

For instance a minister walks out on stage and says (I'm paraphrasing):

Who's down with the G O D?

Or later he says

Minister: I am worried about Mary and was thinking that you guys could help her.
Follower: We could shoot her.
Minister: I was thinking of something a little less gansta.

Of course this movie is a comedy- but these people actually exist! (believe me I have seen it first hand ::cough:: see posting on Feb. 9th:: cough::)

Yeah, the movie is amazing.

UPDATE: Saw it again today (June 28th - it's still awesome) I am considering sending a copy to the leaders of my confirmation class when it comes out on DVD. I saw one of the confirmation teens ironically at the same theater, however they were seeing something else. Probably Garfield.

Can you step? Email me.