Tuesday, March 30, 2004

AC/DC is Mindblowingly Cool

I have decided, that if I were to have a shrine to any one band for being the penultimate of coolness, it would be AC/DC. AC/DC is honestly the greatest band ever known to man kind. Let's review some of the song titles:

Highway to Hell - AWESOME
She Shook Me All Night Long - AWESOME
Back In Black - Don't know what it means but SOUNDS AWESOME
Hells Bells - AWESOME
Thunderstruck - AWESOME

Additionally the guy sings in a high pitched scream. He rules. Also, the guitarist is amazing- he runs around in a PRIVATE SCHOOL UNIFORM- what a badass. His name is Angus. Also amazing.

Anyway, to wrap this up- if you don't like AC/DC you aren't and never will be cool. Like me.

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Sunday, March 28, 2004

Zombies Don't Understand Gun Control

When will the hippies understand that gun control is a stupid, stupid idea. Anyone who has seen any horror movies knows that guns are necessary, very necessary to ensure survival. I am of course inspired by the movie "Dawn of The Dead" which was awesome. In that movie there weren't any politicians screaming "Don't shoot the zombies, just hit them with your fists, because fists are safer." No goddammit, there were guns everywhere so that the zombie bastards would go back to hell.

Were a stupid liberal running this country the entire cast would still be waiting in line at a gun store having 3 forms of ID checked, having his fingerprints run and still not getting the gun because the computers were down. They of course would be eaten. This is why we need guns, lots of guns as Neo would say.

Would Michael Myers have such success if I were in the movies? NO. Here's how it would go down:

Greg sits alone in scary dark house watching horror movie.

Michael Myers sneakily opens the front door and walks slowly into the living room.

Greg: OH NO, I am so scared it's Michael Myers with his pussy knife.

Pulls out two AK-47s.

Greg: Run. Bitch.

As you can see, the U.S. needs to put the focus on arming MORE people, not less. Better the guns in my hands then some gangbanger or... Michael Myers.

Can you step? Email me.

Thursday, March 25, 2004

If You Drive Slow in The Left Lane I am Going To Shoot You

I have decided that people, as a general rule, are more stupid than I originally imagined. Now see, I have driving on the road for a little over a year now, and I have become aware of the concept MOST people have about the right and left lanes. Allow me to sum it up for you.


Now God forbid I just confused someone by putting the left lane on the right, but I am too lazy to change it. Anyway, today I am running late to get to class and some asshole in front of me is doing 40 in a 45. Now granted it could be an old person who can't see over the wheel, or just a big pussy, either way, I am fine. Just haul your big Corrolla driving ass to the right lane and pedal your way to work over there.

My dad, one time in his esteemed wisdom, to piss off my mom who kept bitching at him not to tailgate, just kinda snapped, threw on the accelerator yelled RAMMING SPEED and got really close to the guy in front of us. Everyone laughed, my mom cried.

My dad is funny.

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Tuesday, March 23, 2004

A Way To Fix The File Sharing Problem

In my wisdom, I have decided that the best course of action to fix the file sharing problem is to simply destroy the record industry. Yep. That's it. Blow the corporate assholes to hell, and let them work FOR the artists, not the other way around. With the advent of modern computing, artists don't need recording equipment- they can hook it up to their IMacs and record away. Fuck the record industry.

Ever heard of Ten Mile Tide? Didn't think so. That's because they are an independent band, touring, putting out their own CDs and generally working their asses off to make it. And you know what- they are super talented and put on a great show. And instead of Ten Mile Tide what does the record industry shove down our throats- boy bands. WOWEEE. A bastion of artistic orgasms.

The problem is not the artists- its the draconian, archaic and generally moronic industry that propels the shitty "single" system.

Can you step? Email me.

Friday, March 19, 2004

Red Wings Fans Are Ugly and Fat

I hate the Red Wings. They are the Yankees of hockey, and their fans are more obnoxious than Yankee fans (it may seem unbelievable but its true). A quick thought to Red Wings fans- if don't you live in Detroit, than NO ONE GIVES A SHIT that you are a Red wings fan. And when you show up at Coyotes games and think you are all cool because you have a Red Wings jersey on guess what... You look like a weak ass fairweather fan who in his spare time talks about how awesome the Red Wings are when no one gives a shit. If you live in Phoenix you are a Coyotes fan. If you live in Detroit you are a Red Wings fan- SIMPLE FUCKING CONCEPT.

Oh and BULLSHIT that Red Wings are the smartest Coyote fans. This happened behind me:

Detroit Moron 1: Oh man Detroit is good.
Detroit Moron 2: Yeah, Federov is great.
Detroit Moron 1: Does he still play for us?
Detroit Moron 1: Yeah- I mean, I think so.


And don't you ever come back to a Coyotes game saying "Oh I'm a Coyote fan." I will remember each and every one of you and piss on your cars.

Oh and by the way- if you tie the Coyotes going into the playoffs guess what? YOU ARE GOING TO SUCK IN THE PLAYOFFS.

Bandwagon assholes.

Can you step? Email me.

Sunday, March 14, 2004

Hey Europe- Here's An Idea: SHUT UP

As the world reels from another terrorist attack, the hippies are out again in full force saying the predictable "it's the U.S.'s fault." Protestors gathered in Madrid saying because the U.S. went into Iraq (which Spain supported), they were getting bombed. Oh, well you're right, because our objective isn't to stop terrorism or anything. I may not think that Bush is the greatest president in the world, but dammit at least he is straightforward about what he is doing.

He is going to wipe out terrorists. And dammit maybe if a bunch of other non-pussy countries would step up to the plate, maybe some of these piece of shit extremists could be taken care of. I don't care if it's Basque assholes (I am Basque by the way, and they are not representative of me in the same way that most Muslims aren't dickhead virgin aspiring terrorist schmucks) or Islamic pussies or Environmental morons, if you are going to kill innocent children, mothers and fathers- at least the U.S. is going to have the balls not cave in to these peace-mongering assholes. France and Germany can sit and hold hands and sing kumbaya, but dammit our military won't sit on the sidelines and let kids be slaughtered.

What kind of message is Spain going to send if they say "Okay, you win, just promise not to blow anything else up and we won't come after you?" Yes, because we want terrorists to have leverage over major countries. That's the ticket.

If I were president, hippie activist morons would be the first one's to pick up body parts from terrorist bombings like the one in Madrid's.

Can you step? Email me.

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

My Car Scares Me

Right now I am at Mark's, whose car is actually less productive than mine because of its lack of wheels. He woke up one morning and looked out the window and remarked "Oh my car is on crates... weird." Anyway, I am now scared to get in my car because I bought oil for it, and when I took off the cap to pour it in- steam came out. Mark in his esteemed wisdom said "um... probably not good." The mechanic in me agreed and then the mechanic said "you had better go inside Mark's house and listen to music." I concurred.

Anyway- since my car is so old (circa 1983) were anything really bad to happen (I am of course assuming steam out of the oil area is only mildly lethal to me) I would have NO idea what the hell to do. In order to appear smart (especially in front of a girl) I would probably walk out pop the hood and go "Ummm... uh huh... hmmm... ahhh yup." She would of course go "what?" and I would say something like "air intake manifold interfering with the main flux capacitor, gonna have to take it to the shop." And she would be like "Oh Greg you are SOO smart" and I would say "Just doin my best ma'am, just doin my best" and then romantic music would play and she would make out with me and then we would fade to black.

The End.

I'm serious. Get the hell out of here.

Can you step? Email me.

Thursday, March 04, 2004

Gollum and John Kerry

Now, I actually wanted to like John Kerry- he used to play hockey. But that's just about as much credit as I am going to give him. This is a man who may be in the early stages of Gollum-like schizophrenic (I voted for the war, BUT WE HATES WAR PRECIOUSSS...)

Let's just examine a few of the "flip-flops" of Kerry. God, this is a recurring theme among Democrats- anyway...

Like I mentioned he voted for the war (Slinker) and there are numerous interviews out there where Kerry explicitly states "it was the right thing to do." But now his panties are in a tiffy because he has apparently been against war all along (Stinker). Silly us- AS IF WHAT HE SAID WAS WHAT HE REALLY MEANT!

And as we move along this LOTR inspired metaphor we find our Gollum voted for the Patriot Act but now Kerry says he is against the Patriot Act. (WE MUSN'T DEFEND OUR COUNTRY PRECIOUSSS, IT MAY OFFEND FRANCE PRECIOUSSS)

We now check his voting record to see how much of your money he wants to steal from you. And what do we see??? Little Smeagol voted FOR BUSH'S Tax Cut. But now he has of course changed his mind. The tax cuts must go out with President Bush. (THEY WANTS THEIR MONEY FOR THEMSELVESSSS)

Ah, here is a fun subject- gay marriage. Let's wait a moment for my POLITICAL BULLSHIT DETECTOR to go off. Ah yes. There it is. Kerry says that he disagrees with his state's court ("they were wrong") that ruled in favor of gay marriage, but yet opposes federal legislation banning gay marriage. Hmmm... (MUSN'T OFFEND ANYONE MY LOVE, MUST APPEAR NEUTRAL PRECIOUSSS)

I could go into detail about how well he treated his fellow veterans (throwing medals in protest, and calling comrades war criminals, defacing the Iwo Jima Memorial), but I don't care. If you vote for Kerry you not only deserve my disgust, but you certainly fall under the category of "STUPID FAT HOBBIT".

Can you step? Email me.

(It has been brought to my attention that is an all-time low for cussing on my site- 1 profanity. Well, fuck)