Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Hidden Jesuit Powers

Recently it has come to my attention that a lot of people don't understand how awesome Jesuits are. They've been kicking ass since their founder St. Ignatius was out boozing and killing people in the army. Since I have a ton of experience with Jesuits (basically all my life) I'm going to post 15 little known facts about the order.

1. Jesuits have been known to breathe fire on heathens. They accomplish this through Bacardi 151 and the Holy Spirit.
2. Jesuits can fly, but they don't have to prove anything so they rarely do it.
3. Jesuits can turn water into wine, but usually they turn it into brandy instead.
4. All Jesuits are trained in Kung Fu and could for sure kick Keanu Reeves ass.
5. One Jesuit in particular, Fr. Renna, may in fact be Dracula. He keeps this under wraps through mind control.
6. Jesuits can use The Force.
7. And lightsabers, if and when they are invented.
8. In the Middle Ages the Jesuits were challenged to beer pong by the Dominican friars. The Jesuits won with a perfect 10 cup victory.
9. Jesuits, when annoyed, have been known to rummage through their files and bust out their PhD in ass kicking.
10. The character of Darth Vader was based on Jesuit teachers. The Jesuits filed a lawsuit against George Lucas, on the basis that "Darth Vader was a huge sissy."
11. Jesuits ride bicycles not because they don't know how to drive, but because if a car makes the mistake of trying to hit them- they will use lasers from their eyes to blow out their tires.
12. Jesuits are smarter than Stephen Hawking, but feel bad so they don't say anything.
13. Jesuits know exactly how long Pi is.
14. Jesuits are required to carry flasks. If anyone other than a Jesuit drinks from this flask, God smotes them.
15. Jesuits aren't afraid to eat your soul, if need be.

That's all I can think of off the top of my head, if you have had an encounter with a Jesuit that you would like to share, I'll be more than happy to add to my list.

Can you step? Email me.


At 3:19 PM, Anonymous Gio said...

Jesuits survived the atomic bomb explosion in Hiroshima by using a force field too advanced for me to explain.

At 1:34 AM, Blogger chavez said...

Jesuits don't touch little boys or even little girls, they touch everyone, everywhere ... with their hearts, right?! booo,,, Fr. Renna is the biggest badass since Jesus, and he is in fact Dracula. The point of this post was to make sure you know how much I hate you and how much Jesus dislikes you. Jesuits are amazing!

At 4:54 AM, Anonymous Joe " Squiggy " Larkin said...

Greg, I own you and everything you are. Renna was and still is a machine with no better function then to blow our minds and assholes out. Goulet


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