Sunday, September 28, 2003

1000 Hits and My Blog is Still Better than Yours

Sometime today or last night I hit a thousand hits. (If you can prove that it was you, I will autograph a piece of paper, maybe throw in a Starburst or Skittles thing and mail it to you) So I wake up and am like, shit thousand hits, thats a lot, maybe I should find out what makes my ranting so much better than anyone else's.

So I started visiting everyone else's blog. God they suck. So in honor of them I will do my entry today in that stupid ass "you really care about everything thing I do don't you style." Enjoy.

My Hand Hurts

So, today, like I was sitting in class and you know just kinda staring out in the sky and I was just like wow my hand hurts. And then I went to my next class and it was so omigod boring, and then I was like "did i feed my cat today?" oh man, i was so scared. and then I like saw jessica and she was like omigod does your hand hurt ? and i was like yeah totally, and that reminded me of this one song i heard one time on MTV cuz i have no taste, the lyrics are so deep.. here..

Lifestyles of the rich and the famous
their always complaining, always complaining

Yeah, like rich people always like complain, so right on Good Charlotte, like yeah. Okay, im like tired now so i will see you all tomorrow and i will tell you about how mandy was like so mad at me today, i know you cant wait

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

My Tie is Better Than Yours

This one is kinda only for the guys, unless you are a chick who wears ties, which I am cool with.

I just realized how much better my tie is than yours. My tie is a fucking Vincent Van Gogh painting. (Starry Night to be exact) God that is awesome.

Couple of things to point out here.

1. If you do not know who Vincent Van Gogh is- never mention this to a cultured girl, she will hate you. (Use Google to remedy this situation and/or use the following conversation)

Girl: So, Vincent Van Gogh, what do you think?
YOU: Well, I think Van Gogh was an interesting guy- excuse me a moment.

This works for almost anything, including pretending to have an opinion.

2. Furthermore, if your tastes dictate that you think art is stupid and/or you think Starry Night in particular is a bad painting- try painting something better and if that still doesn't work- climb the nearest 4 story building and jump (repeat as needed)

Do you have an opinion? Do you use Google to bullshit your way out of anything (including term papers)? Are you remotely coherent? Email me.

Sunday, September 21, 2003

NEWSFLASH: No one cares that your son is on the Principal's List

Hey parents- aren't you so proud that little Jimmy is an honor student? Don't you want to indoctrinate him with the idea that you should only strive to succeed so you can show it off on your bumper? Here's a quick little tidbit: NO ONE CARES, AND YOUR BUMPER STICKER MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE.

Today I saw a mother with 3, that's right 3, of the same bumper sticker: "My Child Made the Honor Roll at SuckaMucho School." So, let's go through the thought process here.

1. Little Jimmy made it three times on the honor roll, so I guess you have to have 3 obnoxious stupid ass bumper stickers... OR

2. You have 3 children, in which case you want all of them to feel special, so you give them each their own sticker, completely indistinguishable from the one next to it. GREAT JOB MOM!!

3. You lied. You have no children and it's just a sick, sick joke. You sick fuck.

Anyway, I am leaning towards the latter. Goddamn SUV moms, and most of them suck at driving too.

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

Too much of a dumbass to be creative? Why not just make fun of minorities?

People are so moronic. If I hear one more person blame gay people because they can't get laid I will flip. Here is some logic for all of you dumbasses out there who hate "faggots."


Idiots. And the next time you want to say something is stupid, don't say "gay." Because you are really saying, "I am so ignorant that I can't come up with a word to describe what my pea sized brain wants to say." Besides saying "wearing women's clothing, man, it was so gay," has a WHOLE other meaning when you use the real definition. Schmucks.

So why don't you all go make fun of me for being Irish or something, maybe I will go drink a Guiness in your honor or find me lucky charms. Suck it.

Monday, September 15, 2003

Fun With the Local Police Department

Heres' a fun fact: with the number of policemen dwindling and crime rampant, how does my local police department choose to spend its time? Breaking up high school parties and setting up speed traps. OHH, so that's how you stop lifetime criminals! My bad. Man, I was so off track thinking that drug busts and sting operations helped get criminals off the streets.

Damn, and all that time it is the high school kids who are murdering and stealing. Who'd a thought? And those speeders! God knows they probably are carrying weapons of mass destruction- and to think all this time we thought they were in Iraq! Thank god for photo radar. No criminal will get off scot free now!!

I hate inefficiency. The government is run by morons. Do us all a favor and in your next election, vote libertarian and save us the trouble of having to recall brain-farts like Grey Davis.

Thursday, September 11, 2003

Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind

I was driving on the freeway tonight, when I was nearly hit by a nerd. How do you know he was a nerd you say? Shut the hell up and I will tell you I say. His ass cuts in front of me and I see his license plate that reads "DAGOBAH." And for all of you who are like whaaa? Its a fuckin planet in Star Wars. Now, I am a semi nerd for knowing that, but I also read Harry Potter and don't have a goddamn broom hanging out my ass. If you are a nerd don't televise it, especially when you are a nerd about a series that hasn't been good since... 1987 or so. I have already bitched about George Lucas, so you find any re-hash here, but Jesus God, come on. These are like the people who go and live out there Lord of the Rings fantasy by shooting arrows at eachother and playing dead. There is something very, very, very, weird about that. But whatever floats your boat. I love Lord of the Rings, but God knows I have no desire to make pointy ears and dress in green tights.

Speaking of which I never understood Star Trek conventions. I love shows like The Simpsons but would I go to a Simpsons convention, where I could dress like Bart and talk about the Simpsons... god no. Anyway screw this, I hate this stupid ass topic anyway. Stupid ass nerds.

Monday, September 08, 2003

Stupid Article Ideas

Today while wandering around Barnes and Noble (motto: kickin your local bookstore owner to the curbs), I found quite possibly the stupidest article title ever gracing the top of "Phoenix Magazine." It was entitled The 96 Top Dentists in Phoenix. Good Christ. My first thought was, who are the four or five schmucks in all of Phoenix who couldn't make that goddamn list. Seriously, what were they, like sex offender dentists?

Editor: Uhh yeah sorry Jim, you just didn't make the cut.
Jim: But you let that one dentist who pulled out the wrong tooth in.
Editor: Yeah, but he didn't leave one of his patients on laughing gas over night.
Jim: Honest mistake, not my fault.
Editor: Better luck next year.

Furthermore, who CARES about the top 96 Dentists, god knows if there are that many "top" dentists in Phoenix we should be shipping em' the hell out of here. Send em to Rwanda or somewhere, I am cool with 50 top dentists in my metro area.

Goddammit Phoenix magazines should run articles like "The 96 Hottest Girls in Phoenix" or "Is it so hot that Phoenix should institute mandatory bikini days?" Those are PRESSING issues that need to be addressed. I am gonna start my own magazine entitled "Magazines that Suck and How to Fix Them." It will be a big hit. All I will do is make fun of magazines like "Weiner Dog Weekly" and "Dungeons and Dragons Delux Ultra." And if any of you people read those magazines, tough shit. They suck. The only magazines that are allowed are Cosmopolitan, Maxim, and anything else I want to read, like the occasional Rolling Stone when there isn't some asshole band that no one likes on the cover. I would rant about asshole bands, but I have stopped caring.

Sunday, September 07, 2003

Let's Define the word "Suck"

The other day a teacher told me not to use the word "suck" on the basis that it was crude and no one knows what you mean when you say it. So here is my standard badass dictionary of slang definition of suck:

Suck (verb)

1. Being so devoid of anything cool that it creates a vacuum of uncoolnesss.
The Chicago Bears suck hardcore, can you believe that my awesome 49ers beat the shit out of them so badly?
2. Pop Music
Anyone who has people write music for them and then give them no credit is a NO TALENT ASS SPELUNKER OF THE THIRD DEGREE.

Be back tomorrow with a more substantial update.

Thursday, September 04, 2003

This Man Is My HERO

Okay, just to preface this: the man they are interviewing has developed a Peer to Peer Filesharing program (like Kazaa) and is running it out of Palestine. He is being interviewed about his program and possible legal consequences by the press.

Supportp2p: Is there anyway and any chance that ES5 would have to give Isp's up to the MPAA and the RIAA? and if you were ordered to what would you do?

Ras: We send a very strong message to the MPAA and the RIAA to go fuck themselves in the world news. We look forward to the day that they try and serve us with their bullshit lawsuits here in Palestine. There are many people here in Palestine waiting to meet that process server.

I nearly laughed myself out of my chair. Ha, I dream of the day some chickenshit lawyer for the Record Industry walks into Palestine and asks "Umm.. could you stop... maybe... um you know with the computers... Mommy..."

Idiots + Philosophy Class = HELL

Today in philosophy class something god awful happened- the moron's who normally sleep through class and spare us their insipid and useless insights (What if God was like, you know, like super God like?), decided to guide our discussion.

So instead of remotely intelligent discussion we spent the majority of class asking deep philosophical thoughts like:

1. Could God make a rock so big he couldn't move it?
2. Can I go to the bathroom?
3. I think Aristotle was stupid.
4. No, he wasn't.
5. Shut up.
6. No you shut up.
7. Can I go to the bathroom?

I spent the majority of class drawing on the board and banging my head against my desk in the hopes of waking up from this terrible dream. Maybe we should institute a philosophy pre test that you would have to pass in order to qualify for the course.

1. Do you know what philosophy is?
If yes, proceed to number 2, if not step to the end of the line and let the man with the large bat perform a quick lobotomy.

2. Are you lying?
If yes, see Bat-man, if no proceed to number 3.

3. Has anyone ever said in response to your philosophy on life "Quick find a gun, I need to put this guy down."

Three questions, not so hard eh? Yet it would weed out those who have about as much to say on philosophy as Bill Clinton has to say on marriage. Boo yah. Thats a zinger.

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

Sleeping is Underrated

I have come to the conclusion that the source of most, if not all, of my problems is that I don't sleep enough. In fact, I can't seem to find any problem that popped up while I was sleeping. I think most World Wars could have been avoided had sleep been a factor.

"In other news today the Allied armies avoided a most terrible war by sneaking up on Hitler while he was sleeping and then proceeded to bust a cap in his ass."

Now thats all good and well, but lets apply this in a modern context.

Boss: Umm Fred, about that report.
Fred: Boss, I had to sleep, don't you sleep?
Boss: Why yes I do but-
Fred: Step the fuck back, I need a nap.

Clearly Fred has the upper hand in this situation. So today, when your boss or teacher makes demands of you, simply point out that he or she is likely a cranky bitch because they haven't been getting enough sleep. Then proceed to put your head down and catch some Z's.