Thursday, October 30, 2003

Phoenix Doesn't Need a "Storm Team"

I was searching the web to find out the weather for Halloween tomorrow (I am being a Boondock Saint, no you don't need to tell me how absolutely badass that is), when I came upon two moron mouthpieces (Sean And Amy from 12 News) looking at me smiling because they were the 12 NEWS STORM TEAM. God where to begin.

(1) What the fuck are you smiling about- there is a goddamn storm coming. Get out in your poncho and report some fucking floods and don't sit there and smile while my car washes away.

(2) WE DON'T NEED A STORM TEAM- Arizona gets like maybe 3 storms a year. MAYBE. So what exactly are these pricks the other 362 days of the year? The 12 NEWS ACTION SUNSHINE TEAM?

Newscaster: This just in from our weather desk, our Sunshine team is indeed calling for more sunshine today. Let's go out to Sean, who is standing by with live coverage. Sean?

Sean: Well Lisa, this is just amazing, I mean by the looks of it Arizona will indeed be getting its 100th straighth day of sunshine. Unbelievable. Live on the scene this is Sean.

These guys have the easiest job ever. They clock in one time at the newsdesk, with the same goddamn forecast (sunny, chance of clouds). By the way, this is the SAFEST prediction ever. If its sunny- they win. If its cloudy- they WIN AGAIN. I suppose they only way for their asses to get canned is if a tornado shows up out of nowhere.

Sean: Right, about the tornado.... You see..... Hmm.... Okay, I am just gonna go in the corner now...

Can you step? Email me.

Monday, October 27, 2003

Your Convenience is My Concern

Not. Anyway, since all I get is complaints about "you don't have a comments section; everyone else has a comments section, why can't I comment, where do you live? can i call you? " etc. etc. I have decided to make a little section of the site called "SINCE YOU ARE TOO LAZY TO EMAIL GREG, CLICK THIS ICON AND INSTANT MESSAGE HIM SECTION" If you look to your right you will see one of two things:

(1) A picture of the Boondock Saints
-This means I am online, this means I may respond to you
-The Boondock Saints is cool movie

(2) A picture of Hillary Clinton
-This means I am not here, and am possibly being eaten by Hillary Clinton
-I hate Hillary Clinton

So, there you have it, this site is all truly- about you. Or not.

Thursday, October 23, 2003

Some People Deserve A Lobotomy

In one of my classes I put up with a student who makes me want to kick him in the shins every single time he opens his mouth. If I ever encounter anyone like this in my professional life, I will make it my mission to have his ass fired. How do they piss me off so much?

Me: So, in essence the theme can be universally summed up as man vs. nature.

Mark: I would add that it could also be man vs. man.

TOTAL IMBECILE WHO I WANT TO KILL: Well, I agree with both of you and would like to proceed to sum up everything that has been said in this discussion so that I can seem intelligent without ever saying anything remotely resembling a unique thought.

At this point in my head I am busting out my shoulder mounted missile launcher and helping it go to MORON-LOCK ON. How these people go through day to day activities without being punched in the face boggles the mind.

Mom: What do you want for dinner?
Dad: How about steak?
Daughter: Burritos?
IMBECILE: Well, I think we can both agree that steak and burritos are viable choices and we should consider both options with a great deal of thought and consideration-

I hate people.
(email me)

Monday, October 20, 2003

Airports are hellholes

I'm shit tired and I actually had something else really funny to write about, but I forgot. So anyway I went to Kansas City to play hockey, and on my way, God gave me a revelation- airports are orgies of ineptitude. Take security for example.

Security Man: Okay, young man, remove your shoes.
Me: Oh, did they have metal in them?
Security Man: No.
Me: So I am removing them because....
Security Man: Are you causing trouble?

I gave up at this point. Furthermore, even before I had gotten to this pit of despair, I had sat in line for an hour. Just then a startling announcement came on to fill us in on the delay-

"Would all passengers please head towards the nearest security checkpoint."

OH NO SHIT??!! REALLY? Is that where we are supposed to go, because I was just minutes away from moseying on over to the runway and commandeering a ramp and hauling my ass on board.

Turns out some guy had walked through security and set off the metal detector and no one had examined him. So, logically, we had to evacuate the entire terminal.

I know how to fix our airport security- how about we stick a huge ass marine in front of the cock pit door with a fucking AK-47.

Marine: "Yew come near this door, and I shoot ya."

Monday, October 13, 2003

Punks aren't punk

Guess what? All the punks who think they are giving "The Man" the finger by dressing like Marilyn Manson- aren't punks at all. How is this possible you ask? Well, ALL PUNKS DRESS THE SAME. Ohhh. So in order to dress punk, you would have to dress really really really differently- like possibly not wearing clothes at all, OR you are conforming to a subculture. Have I lost you?

Let me illustrate this a bit more clearly.

Clothing Executive: So what are we going to do with all these punk kids who have money?
Another Suit: Well how about we start a store called something really stupid-
Clothing Executive: Hows about "Hot Topic."
Another Suit: What the fuck does that have to do with being punk? What the hell does that mean?
Clothing Executive: Kids are stupid, all we have to do is get angry kids to sit behind the counters and sell shit and WE ARE SET.

See? Do we understand class? Last lesson.

Punk music, which actually can be pretty damn good- (homework: download Lucky Boys Confusion, Bad Religion and Flogging Molly)- has been SOLD OUT to MTV. Punk music now is represented by..... Good Charlotte!! and..... Sum 41!!

Woooo Hooo!! Hot damn.

And boy, they are really out saying something. I mean, they are HARDCORE. I mean, thats what Carson Daly said...

MTV Blows.

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

Democrats Are Whiny


Anyway, so I go to my sociology class today and my teacher brings up Arnold saying "Well he shouldn't be governor since he was inappropriate with women, waaaaa." SHUT UP.

Where were these women 15 years ago when all this shit went down huh? They were NOWHERE, they were bragging about Arnold ("He called me hot, teehee!"). Not to mention my teacher didn't bring up the story of Gray Davis throwing ashtrays at his interns and throwing a 62 year old secretary into a doorway. Nope. Because that would be fair, and we can't have that.

THE WORST DEMOCRATIC ARGUMENT EVER- "Well at least Gray Davis had experience, Arnold is a movie star."

YOU IMBECILES!!!!!!!!!!! DON'T YOU GET IT??????? Gray Davis screwed over the state in more way than even Jenna Jameson is capable of. The reason CA is in sixth circle of hell is because Davis is so GOOD at lying and being a jackass. This is a guy who is SO owned by the Indian Casino people that he is half Cherokee by now. (We call him "Lying Donkey")

Screw California Democrats, and Go Arnold. About time someone got around to officially deporting Barbara Streisand.

Monday, October 06, 2003

School Is Overrated

Today, I was sitting around generally being awesome when I thought struck me- Why in God's name am I learning College Algebra?

Executive: I see here Greg that YOU NEVER LEARNED COLLEGE ALGEBRA.
Greg: But this is for a job writing screenplays.
Executive: YOU NEVER LEARNED ALGEBRA. I just don't know if I can let this slide.

Now, wouldn't it suit me, someone who hates math, in the same way that Hillary Clinton hates men, to be doing something more productive (i.e. playing monopoly).

More importantly, God has revealed to me something incredible. The jobs that pay a shit ton of money don't require any school. Check out this research I did (and by research I mean nothing, and by nothing I mean making it up as I go along)

JOB- Actor PAY- shit-load EDUCATION REQUIRED- None
JOB- Politician PAY- Shit ton of kick backs EDUCATION REQUIRED- None (muahahaha)
JOB- Musician PAY- too much EDUCATION REQUIRED- None
JOB- Criminal PAY- a lot EDUCATION REQUIRED- How to break knee caps

See, education sucks. And politicians are morons. God I love saying that. If I ran for office I would honestly get up on stage and be like- throw it at me assholes, I'm ready and waiting with a response and a taunt for your trouble.

Press: So, Greg, how exactly are you going to fix Iraq's economy?
Greg: By sending the entire press corp to Baghdad to do hard labor- anything else jackass?


Thursday, October 02, 2003

Time to say good-bye to Limp Bizkit

I can remember a day or two when Limp Bizkit was the shizzle. In fact, I can remember when I thought Limp Bizkit was a formulaic, but decent band (this was yesterday). Today, however things have changed. Their new CD SUCKS. I have listened to every single song and have come to the following conclusions:

1. Any song that is not a cover OR does not have Snoop Dogg in it BLOWS A CONSIDERABLE AMOUNT
2. Fred Durst has NOTHING to say

Whats funny about this is that the song "Just Drop Dead" by Limp is actually pretty damn good. It was about Britney Spears and was supposed to be on this album, but now you can only get it online. (Apparently, little Britney is a skank, suprise of suprises). Instead we are treated to an album trying to combine Dave Matthews emotion with Linkin Park agression.

Greg's Law of Shitty Albums

Lose Your Lead Guitarist + Sudden Desire to become meaningful + Worst Lyrics Ever = SHIT ON A STICK

Adios Fred Durst, time to hang it up. Maybe you can pull a Rob Zombie and instead of making creepy ass music, you can make terrible, terrible films like House of 1000 Corpses.

Pre-Production Meeting on House of 1000 Corpses

Executive: Okay Rob, so we have a deal, you can have insane clowns, fucked up families and gruesome murders...
Executive: That's it, gimme the tazer, he is going back in his cage.
Rob Zombie: NOOOO.. ::ZAPPP::
Executive: That dude is fucked up.