Wednesday, November 26, 2003

My Mom is the WORST Driver Ever

On behalf of my mother I would like to apologize to the millions of people she has traumatized by her shitty driving. Characteristics of her driving:

-Doing 5 under the speed limit IN THE LEFT LANE
-Braking for no apparent reason "I thought I saw a bird"
-Leaving her turn signals on "Don't tell me how to drive, maybe I was turning"
-Turning off my music "It's devil music" and thereby swerving into other people's lanes

As you can see, chances are my mom has caused millions of accidents and no one has caught her.

"Look for a white SUV, with a mad woman at the wheel who always has her goddamn blinker on."

Can you step? Email me.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Nothing says "I am a Moron" like "LOL"

Why must conversations degenerate into this?

SupERNerd: No, for reals- I mean LOL, BRB

Just because you are online does not suddenly mean that we are speaking some dumbass form of English. Idiots. It isn't cute, nor funny to start throwing out random abbreviations and then giggle about with some stupid ass "LOL" to cover it up.

Speaking of LOL, who was the jerk who started this god awful word... abbreviation.. thing. NO ONE laughs out loud when they say they do. And if they did, they would probably say something more along the lines of "That was pretty fuckin funny" than the not-worth-three-seconds-to-type-out LOL.

So shove your abbreviations up your ass, and try to forget you are a loser who spends upwards of 4 hours a day on your computer avoiding social interaction.

Can you step? Email me.

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Chances Are You Suck

My friend Taylor, who has the only blog on the entire web I actually read, wrote an article about how to start blogs. In response, (because I am on the lookout for your intellectual well-being) I am now going to write an article entitled- "How To Realize What Everyone Else Already Knows- Your Blog Sucks."

And I when I say write an article- I mean like 2 or so pissed off paragraphs because its 1AM and I am tired.

Alright, Step One- Recognizing Your Shittiness-

Do you find yourself having to ask people to read your shit constantly? And do you find them coming up with excuses like-
Uhh, I would but the news just came on and I think someone I know was shot. Or how about this- do you ever find yourself writing "Well, this might seem stupid, but I am going to write it anyway?" GUESS WHAT- You're right IT IS BORING and NO ONE CARES. Lastly- do you ever whine and bitch about stupid shit like "My mom yelled at me today" Yes?? Well your blog probably sucks. Scratch that- I can tell you- YOUR BLOG SUCKS.

Second Step (or Step Two for those of us who are already lost)- Apologizing to the World-
Like a criminal, you must pay for your crimes, and after having determined your shittiness- you must say your sorry. I suggest the following message:

Dear World,

It has come to my attention that my Blog has about as much to say as Barbara Streisand does about ANYTHING. Furthermore, I have realized that I am as just about as important as a Democratic Presidential candidate and am sorry for any discomfort, sadness, or involuntary vomiting upon keyboard that may have resulted due to my shitty, shitty, shitty excuse for a blog. If you see me, please hit me in the face. Twice.

Can you step? Email me.