And Now For Something Completely Different

I just realized that my friend Chavez's life had not been put into a book or at least made into a shitty made-for-tv movie. So, per his request, I embarked on a research expedition (from my kitchen to my keyboard) to find out about the real Chavez. The results were amazingly inaccurate. Enjoy.

Chavez was born in a little town called Beeotch. There he was raised by a Pit Bull named Rex. Rex fed Chavez corn dogs only. So Chavez got fat. Now Chavez doesn't corn dogs and now you know why. So then Chavez woke up one day and was like "Screw this Beeotch I am going to Phoenix." So he did.

Upon arriving in Phoenix, Chavez was named Miss Teen Arizona. He wore the crown for a year before people realized he was cross dressing. By then it was too late and they tried to cut off his penis. This did not make Chavez happy and he reluctantly gave his crown to Kathy Lee Gifford.

His next great accomplishment was being named "Cool Guy" by Greg Dunaway. The honor came with the prize of watching The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" with Greg. However, it was all a setup by Greg to see if Chavez was a super badass and if he would make fun of the film in the theater with Greg. Chavez passed with flying colors remarking "this movie makes me want to shit on myself." Now, with Greg, he is in charge of the "League of People Who Want Their Goddamn money back."

Chavez's next goal is to find the Woman of his Dreams who is now currently living in France. She likes long walks on the beach, french fries and following Chavez's orders.

ChaVez is notoriously difficult to find. He can camouflage easily into his surroundings by crouching low and hoping you are tall. If you do happen to see him, remember he is armed and horny. Act accordingly.

Should you want your life forever immortalized in a fake biography, email me and I will surely give you a ridiculously high price.

Hckyfn15@aol.com