I Have Endorsed John Kerry

For 1st Class IMBECILE!! Hurray for my joke.

Anyway, since it seems like every day the media lets us know exactly where John Kerry is, what color his suit is, what baby he kissed, how many times he blinked in a given minute, I have decided its about time to endorse SOMEONE ELSE. (If there was a bumper sticker that said "Anyone But Kerry" I would be SO THERE.)

So... without further ado I am proud to present the next President of the United States...

DAVE BARRY

Dave Barry is a true American hero. He gets paid to make fun of people/things/events. There is truly no one more qualified to handle the responsibilities of President than Dave Barry. In his own words:

Dave Barry stands for YOU. As your president, he will work hard to serve you and protect you and make your life better, unless you're one of those people who make or receive cellular phone calls inside movie theaters, in which case Dave Barry thinks you should be killed with a hatchet.

God Bless This Man!!! Indeed let's go over the fundamental platforms of Barry's campaign and then compare them to Mr. Kerry's.

CRIME

John Kerry: Something politically correct and stupid.

Dave Barry: You can call me courageous if you want, but I am against crime. I favor the death penalty for everything, including zoning violations. In the case of really, really bad criminals -- especially murderers and whoever is responsible for putting Jerry Springer on television -- I support a massive government project to develop a way to bring them back to life after we execute them, so we can execute them again.

TAXES

John Kerry: Blah Blah Blah RAISE TAXES.

Dave Barry: A lot of my opponents have been going around spouting harebrained "pie-in-the-sky" tax schemes that promise "something for nothing." Well I say it's time for a "reality check." I favor a practical, fiscally sound, two-pronged "flat-tax" system, as follows:

PRONG ONE -- Everybody would pay less.

PRONG TWO -- You, personally, would pay nothing.

EDUCATION

John Kerry: Blah Blah Blah RAISE TAXES

Dave Barry: I believe that American schoolchildren should be given standardized national educational tests, and I will tell you exactly why: Because I am not a schoolchild. I am strongly in favor of things that I, personally, do not have to do. Childbirth is another example.

Dave Barry is the clear winner. Additionally Dave Barry's public service record is far more impressive than John Kerry's (Kerry's usual more taxes, bigger government etc.)

PUBLIC SERVICE: In 1994, Dave Barry set fire to a pair of men's undershorts with a sparking Barbie doll on the David Letterman show. No other current presidential candidate can make this statement.

To conclude if you do not vote for Dave Barry, you're stupid and should be summarily shot.

Can you step? Email me.
hckyfn15@aol.com