Things That Have No Place At A Hockey Game

If you haven't had a chance to look at the Coyote's new arena- you should. It's so much better than America West Arena that it is like comparing Anna Kournikova to Anna Nicole Smith. (I apologize to Anna Kournikova for using her in a metaphor that included that dumb whale).

ANYWAY, as part of this whole "New Coyotes" advertising scheme the Coyotes have implemented something new- SOMETHING SO ABSOLUTELY FUCKING TERRIBLE that I have honestly closed my eyes not to watch... male cheerleaders.

Now- I am all for cheerleaders. I love cheerleaders. BUT A MALE CHEERLEADER AT A HOCKEY GAME IS UNNEEDED, UNCALLED FOR AND JUST PLAIN WRONG. Now, this is going to be tough to even type, so bear with me...

I was just sitting in my seat, minding my own business, enjoying the hockey game when it happened... This... person comes running down the aisle throwing his hands in the air yelling something stupid like GO TEAM, and then proceeds... oh god... TO DO THE ROBOT.

To say that I wanted to kick him down the aisle just doesn't do it justice. My desire to end his happy little parade of fun would be more akin to Anna Nicole Smith's desire to eat herself retarded. (That's two A.N.S. metaphors for those keeping track at home).

Alas, my dad had taken the aisle seat, but trust me- when that dude looked at me and said "LETS CHEER" I didn't move a fuckin inch. My Glare O' Death was on High Beams. He's lucky I am not that dude from X-Men or I would have blasted his ass with my death ray.

And another thing- since when have figure skaters routinely performed at hockey events?? EH?? For those of you who are perhaps a bit unfamiliar with how hockey players view figure skating its probably like- oh shit im out of metaphors, just understand that over my DEAD body would I ever strap on tights and a tutu and prance around the ice. So you can imagine my anger when NOT ONLY was Vanilla Ice blocking my view of the game, but during intermission we get the Coyote Pep Team doing circle 8's. Where's my Sumo Hockey?????? WHERE'S MY MINI MITE HOCKEY INTERMISSION GAME???

If the Coyotes have to turn hockey into some pussy dance show to sell tickets than my ass is gonna be MIA next season.

Kinda like Anna Nicole Smith's popularity. (Boo-yah that's three)

Can you step? Email me.
hckyfn15@aol.com