John Kerry Campaign Positions Discovered

WASHINGTON D.C. - John Kerry's campaign has announced that they have discovered John Kerry's official on positions ranging from Iraq to the economy. Official Susan Randall announced, "We have basically been winging it on our official positions thus far in the campaign, but with these newly discovered positions we may end up standing for something after all." Randall commented that the records were discovered in Al Gore's social security lockbox. "Apparently Al was digging through his old Social Security lockbox, looking for Florida recount votes when he stumbled upon Mr. Kerry's views."

She speculates that they may have come into Mr. Gore's position when Mr. Kerry lobbed his views, along with Vietnam war medals over the White House wall. "Mr. Gore was always walking the grounds with nothing really to do as Vice President, so it is entirely possible he found them on one of his evening strolls." When questioned as to whether Mr. Gore found Kerry's War Medals, Ms. Randall announced that he had, but Mr. Kerry wasn't sure whether he wanted them back or not. "Once we sort through our beliefs, we'll let you know if Mr. Kerry is still proud of his military service, it may turn out that Mr. Kerry may revert to his staunch Anti-Vietnam stance that he held in the 1970's. We just aren't sure at this point."


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