I Would Rather Shoot Myself Than Join MySpace

If you like MySpace, chances are, you're boring. And stupid.

Perusing someone's myspace page is sort of like walking into a bedroom with a bunch of incoherent morons screaming "LOOK AT ME, LOL!!" over and over.

MySpace has gone to all the trouble of uniting everything I hate about the internet into one convenient page to piss me off.

A. The Blog - I've covered this area numerous times. The only blog I like is mine. I don't give a shit about how your boyfriend is mean. I don't give a shit about your parents grounding you. AND NO ONE LIKES YOUR SHITTY POETRY. SAY SOMETHING INTERESTING.

P.S. " :- D " IS NOT A FUCKING WORD.

B. The Photo Gallery - Wow. Ten photos of your souped up car. Ten of your girlfriend. One of you holding a beer. Congratulations, you've asserted your masculinity to the whole world tough guy.

C. The Profile - It's so rewarding that at any given time I can find out my friend is a Taurus, whose favorite movie is Fast and the Furious and that he/she likes salad. That's deep. Thanks MySpace!

D. The Comment Section - Here's a real winner. I challenge anyone to go more than a paragraph without finding an enlightening phrase like, "Is she single LOL nah?" or (and this a verbatim copy and paste)

"omfg ur still working there lol, well actually thats really good that u CAN keep a job, lol unlike some people, gl witht that tho, so if it pays u well, can i borrow 30$ LOL, btw what server do u play on?"

STAB YOURSELF WITH YOUR MOUSE. THE EXTRA SECOND TO TYPE OUT BY THE WAY WON'T KILL YOU SHITHEAD. YOUR ENGLISH TEACHER JUST SHOT HERSELF.

LEARN TO READ AND WRITE AGAIN.

MySpace should be shutdown and anyone who joined should be slapped with a yardstick.
Get a job. Go to college.

Can you step? Email me.
hckyfn15@aol.com

NASA To "Beat Shuttle With a Hammer"

NASA announced the delay of the space shuttle Discovery today. It would have been the first launch since the doomed shuttle Columbia.

However, NASA hopes to "shoot that sumbitch up" on Sunday according to Deputy Shuttle Manager Wayne Hale. Clutching his toolbelt Hane said that NASA's plan of attack was to "go in and wiggle some of the wires and find a loose connection." He continued, "The next step in protocol is to beat the engine with a hammer- but we hope it won't come to that."

If that still didn't work Hale said engineers might just have "grab a beer, fire up the grill and figure this shit out." He later added they may "pop the hood and check the oil."

Can you step? Email me.
hckyfn15@aol.com

Lance Armstrong: He's Definitely A Better Person Than You

This past 4th of July as I sat sipping beer, watching fireworks and kicking rocks at hippies I came to realize that Lance Armstrong may in fact be the perfect American.

When Lance was diagnosed with testicular cancer did that stop him from continuing American dominance over cycling? NO. He ate up riders like Ted Kennedy in a candy shop.

When accusations that Lance was using steroids surfaced in the French press - did Lance pull a liberal manuever and immediately start crying and quit? NO. Lance gave the press the finger and proceeded to dominate French riders for 6 straight years. It was sort of like how the French got dominated in WWII for six straight years... Lance could totally kick Hitler's ass in a fight.

When some idiotic European woman got her purse stuck in Lance's bike and threw Lance 6 feet into hard asphalt did Lance pout and make a scene? NO. Lance got on his bike and continued to kick ass and take names.

This list could go on forever. I didn't even begin to mention how Lance recovered from divorce- by dating a millionaire hot singer because honestly who cares? Everyone knows Lance Armstrong is the coolest guy and definitely better than you.


Can you step? Email me.
hckyfn15@aol.com