It's Official: I Suck

Today I have ended my hunger strike. And by hunger strike I mean eating whenever I feel like it and not buying a cell phone. Today my parents bought me a cell phone. I made it through 4 years of high school and one semester of college minus an annoying piece of metal that encourages people to do things like talk obnoxiously loud while in a confined space, like a plane for instance.

I have decided in order to combat the assholeishniss that comes over everyone who obtains a cell phone, I'm going to not answer it on a regular basis- which means if I do pick up, consider yourself lucky. I've also decided not to have some stupid hip-hop ring, and won't be having Lil Jon yelling "WHAT?" every time some jerk interrupts my dinner. In fact, I'm going to bet that 99.9% of the time my phone will be on vibrate. (More recent phones than mine have managed to circumvent this attempt to limit obnoxiousness by having ridiculously loud vibrations. How goddamn self defeating)

In short, I am indeed now a fucking hypocrite. Whatever, screw you guys... I'm going home.


Can you step? Email me.
hckyfn15@aol.com

Raise Your Hand If You Give A Shit About Robert Blake

In case you have been living a goddamn media free hole for the last 6 months (I envy you), let me be the first to tell you the most important news since the story broke that President Bush had choked on a pretzel: SCOTT PETERSON IS GUILTY!!

Oh boy oh boy. Damn. Wooeee. I don't know if the press can completely overcover and blow out of proportion another murder trial. I mean, the 24/7 coverage on Court TV, CNN and Fox was certainly informative and entertaining.

Reporter: I'm live at the courthouse. Today Scott Peterson looked unhappy as he was led into the courthouse. But the judge declared a recess until next Monday. From the courthouse I'm Dooshy McDoosh. Back to you.

Anchor: LET'S GO LIVE TO TEAM COVERAGE WITH OUR PANEL. SO WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR THE SIX PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THIS TRIAL?

Defense Attorney: BLAH BLAH BLAH, innocent.
Prosecutor: BLAH BLAH BLAH Clearly guilty.
Johnnie Cochran: Is he black?
Anchor: No.
Johnnie Cochran: I'm out. Peace.
Anchor: Tomorrow, we'll have more NON STOP team coverage, examining Scott's life, in its entirety from birth until just now. Then, even though the court won't be in session, we'll have a live reporter at the scene, to give you the illusion something important is happening. So America, what do you think is he guilty or innocent. Go discuss quickly in the commercial break, because when we come back we'll be talking to some stupid attorney about the death penalty or some stupid shit like that. (If it's Fox News, insert some stupid phrase about "Staying brave staying alert and patriotic" here) (As if the asshole who is watching this stupid ass coverage is going to be out fighting terrorist Akbed over on sixth street next to the Starbucks)

So America, are you ready for the next great news story? The Robert Blake trial starts soon. But it's not like America is at war or anything. The press really has no choice but to cover this. Right?

Can you step? Email me.
hckyfn15@aol.com

I Hate Henry

Henry is my roommate's friend. I hate Henry a LOT. Henry ruins my life on a very miniscule level, which is why I can't be super pissed, but just really pissed. The other day I had just prepared a wonderful meal, was relaxing on the couch, and was preparing to watch a brand new episode of South Park. Everything was perfect, I was in a perfect state of relaxation, nothing could ruin my day... except Henry.

Henry knocked on the door, which pissed me off because I had to get up, but I was willing to forgive him for this. Then Henry committed an unforgivable sin. Henry started yelling at my roommate, WHILE SOUTH PARK WAS ON. The worst of it was, my roommate was in the living room with me, which does not necessitate yelling. In fact, he could have sat down next to my roommate and talked softly, but no, Henry had to ruin my evening. Even my food was starting to taste bad.

I decided to give Henry a subtle clue to shut the fuck up by putting the volume on full blast. Henry must have figured that the TV was malfunctioning, so he proceeded to talk even louder in an attempt to teach the TV a lesson. Goddammit I hate Henry. I ended up getting up and leaving, my roommate later apologized which spared me slapping Henry when I saw him the next day.

I thought my troubles with Henry were over after this event. I was wrong. First off, Henry decides to drop by when my roommate isn't around. I'm sitting, minding my own business being awesome, Henry walks in looks around the apartment and starts talking to me.

"Is Brandon here? Because I don't see him."

Now, I want to say "NO DUMBASS, HE DIDN'T MYSTERIOUSLY HIDE HIMSELF, THERE ARE TWO ROOMS IN THIS PLACE AND YOU SEARCHED THEM BOTH."

I say, "Nope," and continue on with being awesome.

He still sits behind me, which pisses me off so I turn on music to give him another subtle hint to go away. He starts fuckin around with my roommate's computer and then walks over to me again. Dammit.

"Do you know the password to Brandon's computer?"

Ugh. "YES I KEEP TABS ON ALL OF BRANDON'S PERSONAL SHIT LIKE THAT. DO YOU WANT HIS SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER TOO?"

I answer, "No." Now, I thought he really would be discouraged by this and go away. I was wrong.

"Do you have any guesses?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. YES, HOW ABOUT THE PHRASE 'HENRY HAS DRIVEN ME TO SUICIDE.' THAT WOULD BE APPROPRIATE."

I answered again, "No, I don't have any guesses." Henry sat around behind me some more, issuing important instructions for me to tell Brandon, I didn't pay attention. God I hate Henry.


Can you step? Email me.
hckyfn15@aol.com