Snakes On A Tree

Playing the part of Adam is SAMUEL L. JACKSON. The other parts don't matter.

Adam, walking in the garden, spies Eve assembling tree leaves to cover her breasts.

ADAM
Bitch, what the hell are you doing?

Eve, startled, drops the leaves.

EVE
Oh, nothing. Maybe getting dinner ready.

ADAM
Goddamn right getting dinner ready. I'm hungry.

Eve cautiously looks around and walks off screen. Adam rests against a tree. A cell phone ring is heard. Adam quickly grabs the phone off the branch.

ADAM
G O D, what the fuck is shakin cracker?

He pauses, smiles.

ADAM
Oh yeah, that girl is fiine. You comin down for the hunt tonight? Hell yes. Well whats up?

The smile quickly turns into a frown.

ADAM
Ohhh HELLL NO. That bitch did not. Don't you tell me to take it easy.... I'll call you back G-spot.

Adam begins walking in the direction we last saw Eve, muttering under his breath.

ADAM
One fucking rule. Don't touch the tree. Motherfucking unbelievable. EVE!!!

Eve's head darts out from her hiding place behind a plant. She is wearing a leaf bikini.

ADAM
And what the hell is that crap? Get your ass out of them leaves.

EVE
But...

ADAM
Goddamn right, I wanna see your butt. Now get to it.

Eve complies.

EVE
Okay?

Adam smiles and begins to walk away.

ADAM
Yes, that's fine.

Eve breaths a sigh of relief as Adam steps away from her.

ADAM
Oh Eve?

EVE
Yes, sweety?

ADAM
You ain't been eating from that tree have you? The one with the apples on it.

EVE
Of course not. Why would you even think that?

ADAM
Well, me and G-funk were just talking, shooting the shit and he mentions to me he thought he saw you eating an apple. Now, he coulda been on crack or you got some serious explaining to do.

Eve says nothing.

ADAM
GET TO IT! Speak up woman!

EVE
It was a snake.

ADAM
A snake? A snake ate a fuckin apple? Huh?

EVE
No, the snake made me do it.

ADAM
What the FUCK? Did he wriggle the apple down your throat?

Silence. Quietly Eve speaks.

EVE
He told me to do it.

ADAM
Excuse me? There is no fucking way you just told me a snake told you to eat an apple. One more time.

EVE
The snake can talk.

ADAM
Bitch I just saw a llama fly.

EVE
I'm serious Adam.

ADAM
One second.

Adam fetches his cell phone and quickly dials a number, all the while glaring at Eve.

ADAM
Yo, it's me. Hey, I've been talking to Eve and I'm thinking she's on some serious shit. There any hallucinugenic plants you ain't told me about?... Well she been mumbling some shit about a talking snake... Oh no fuckin way... YOU FORGOT TO TELL ME ABOUT A FUCKIN TALKIN SNAKE. Is there a man eating insect I should keep my eye out for? Fuckin shit man. Yeah, yeah, we'll talk later.

He hangs up the phone.

EVE
Told ya so.

Adam points at her.

ADAM
Don't you I told you so me. We are in some serious shit. God ain't happy.

EVE
It's the snakes fault.

Adam, still muttering incoherently grabs a sharpened stick on the ground.

EVE
Sweety? What are you doing?

Adam gives no response as he twirls his stick.

EVE
Adam!!

ADAM
Woman, I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING TALKING SNAKES AND THIS MOTHERFUCKING TREE.

The End.